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Riots are erupting across the UK today as it’s revealed that some people who work in showbiz earn more money than other people who work in showbiz and also that the people who work in showbiz who earn more money than other people who work in showbiz are definitely earning way too much money for their work in showbiz.

‘Imnoravinthat!’ yell the great British public. ‘You telling me I’m paying for that ginger twat’s Ferrari?’

‘Indeed you are’, the paid-for-by-the-public BBC reply. ‘In fact, that ginger twat’s Ferrari is why you can’t afford to buy more cans of red stripe. Suck it up, pleb.’

Meanwhile the people who work in showbiz who don’t earn enough money to feature on the rich list have spent the afternoon (and therefore approx £100 each of your hard-earned cash) outing themselves as poor on twitter with the hashtag #notonthelist.

I was also #notonthelist. Never have I been paid for my uniquely entertaining appearances on BBC Breakfast because they don’t pay guests because they’re the BBC and you appear for free on the BBC because it’s not a commercial station run by rich horny frat-boys and controlled by other rich horny frat-boys who need to sell stuff.

In fact, I kinda paid THEM to let me be on the telly, seeing as I pay their wages.

Let’s imagine a world where the Beeb stopped paying the going rate for ‘talent.’ The more altruistic worker may still rock up at the Beeb because they appreciate not having to pretend to enjoy a particular brand of soft drink whilst reading the news, or being able to write their transgender drama story-line without the sponsor telling them to tone it down a bit (A LOT).

In fact the Beeb already can’t and don’t pay the big money (see Bake Off) and this autonomy is partly why so much talent flocks to their yard. But if they start paying substantially less, you can look forward to your breakfast news being presented by a junior reporter, your Strictly Come Dancing being presented by whoever came third in that year’s Britain’s Got Talent and no more programmes about railways presented by Michael Portillo – and who wants to live in a world without THAT?

 

Before any of you reach for your smartphones to share your thoughts about how wrong and stupid I am, (hello new trolls, lovely to have you along – no, I’m not going to send you a pic of my boobs and no, I don’t smoke in my kid’s faces and no, I really don’t want to see a pic of your dick) please remember this:

You. Get. What. You. Pay. For.

Because: capitalism.

And if we don’t like THAT, then we need to get all organisey and revolutiony and bring down all the power-structures and unfair systems and frankly, I’d rather settle down with The One Show and a pack of custard creams and dream of a day when my value as an entertainer is finally recognised and I get my own chat-show called ‘Shizzle with Anna’ which will feature me, on a sofa, smoking, getting drunk and asking filthy questions to celebs for which I will be paid enough money to make you tweet me every day, apoplectic with rage, to complain about my existence and demand a pic of my boobs.

We must resist all attempts to turn the BBC into the civil service. That way all-out commercialisation lies. And that way, all my dreams die.

NB: the secondary matter of the gender pay gap revealed today will be dealt with in another post, written to the same rigorous journalistic standards as this one, standards which I know you have come to expect and (not) pay for.

Christ, if you paid for this shizzle I’d have to start knowing what the actual fuck I’m on about…