Like, seriously, EVERYONE CHILL.

Why are loads of you hating on The Sun and the The Daily Mail?

Publishing naked pics of Jodie Whittaker is totally justifiable. Otherwise we might not geddit that she’s an actual woman who fellas could actually bang because women these days can be so hard to spot in their unfeminine clothes and doing their unfeminine jobs like being doctors.

I mean, the rags are only saying what everyone’s thinking which is that whilst Whittaker may appear to be a human actor, qualified and capable of performing the role of a fictional, alien, time-travelling doctor on the telly, her body actually has wobbly bits in different places to where Capaldi has wobbly bits which means she is incapable of being believable in the part of a fictional, alien, time-travelling doctor on the telly.

And we’re right to be angry about this bloody daft PCness because whilst every TV show needs to always include a fit bird for fellas to imagine having sex with, if that fit bird is actually in charge of all the action, is actually the protagonist, the fellas won’t be able to get it up because they need to project themselves onto the role of a powerful male protagonist in order to ‘access the narrative’ and also in order to maintain a hard-on throughout an entire episode.

International readers, I know I don’t need to explain what Doctor Who is, nor that the preceding paragraphs relate to its appointment of its first female doctor.

What may require some explanation is why the opinions expressed in the preceding paragraphs reflect the current standards of journalism in the UK. I need to explain the British press to you.

The British press: Aside from a handful of notable exceptions, the standard of UK journalism is currently akin to that of an amateur college magazine produced by a bunch of horny frat-boys. Rich, horny frat-boys.

This means that whilst they are obsessed with sex and rape fantasies they are also not entirely stupid (they are in college remember) and this is what makes them so dangerous.

The naked pictures of Whittaker were given the headlines ‘Dalektable!’ in The Sun and ‘Doctor Nude!’ in the Mail. So far, so casually sexist. But this is not the scary bit.

The images were not private photos hacked from her icloud account, or sent in by a disgruntled lover. These would have been a more clearly unpleasant example of the shoddy, sexist journalism of which our great country is very fond, but would not have represented the dangerous frat-boy mentality nearly so well as their use of clips from actual films she’s made.

One of them was the Netflix drama Black Mirror from 2011 in which Whittaker starred in one episode which featured one scene where she was required to appear naked and orgasmic for approximately 30 seconds.

Putting aside (for now) the issue of why women have to be so very naked and so very orgasmic all the time on the telly, by using images from this episode, and other films she’d appeared in, for which she was paid to perform and knew would be broadcast, our frat-boy press are essentially saying: she’s asking for it.

She’s asking for it. All women are asking for it. All women are up for it.

This is the belief of a vast section of the British press. The fact that this may also be the belief of certain readers of this section of the British press is not a justification for it.

This belief is why Whittaker will spend her entire secondment as Doctor Who being hounded, hacked, measured and crushed by a bunch of horny frat-boys with a printer.

And this is why I wish I was a real dalek, so I could tool-up and aim my pointy-zappy thing at all the horny frat-boy press and simply EXTERMINATE…