In these tumultuous times, when our political leaders are behaving as though they’re either rock stars or football managers, prepared to be or pay anything to secure a win, it’s good to be reminded that some things never change.

Gwyneth Paltrow is still a twat.

The Goddess of Faulty Vaginas has lifted her gaze from her steam-cleaned, egg-plugged hoo-ha and looked a bit higher, into outer-space for inspiration for her latest ‘essential’ well-being goop product. 

Body Vibes Wearable Stickers work on the basis that the human body operates at an ideal energetic frequency of 62-72Hz (which is not Radio 4) and that your frequency is likely buggered from being married, moody and hung-over all the time. Also from using tinfoil. Also ingesting mould. Gah – life is essentially poison.

The stickers are “pre-programmed to the ideal frequency allowing them to target imbalances.” Stick one on your left boob and it’ll “fill in the deficiencies in your reserves, creating a calming effect, smoothing out both physical tension and anxiety.” It will also “reduce inflammation and boost cell turnover.”

If you didn’t know you had an ideal energetic frequency it will be because you are either a) a pleb who still believes that eating a pack of wotsits is the answer to most physical, spiritual or practical problems, or b) a scientist who knows there’s no such thing as a single energetic frequency for the human body.

This teeny misrepresentation of science is not what’s caused the twattyness though. She also claimed the stickers were made with “the same conductive carbon material NASA uses to line their space suits.”

Except they don’t.

A spokesperson for NASA said they “do not have any conductive carbon material lining the spacesuits” adding, more scientifically (and brilliantly) that it was all “a load of BS.”

GP has now removed the NASA BS from the blurb.

The fella behind the magic stickers is Richard Eaton, head of AlphaBio Centrix whose other products include the Digestive Solution Energy Card. The card looks exactly like the ID card you might have on a lanyard, but instead of giving you access to the office, it gives you access to a whole new world of BS. Simply place the card under your plate for 25 seconds and your food will “receive energy from the card instantly, boosting energy and maximising nutrition.”

The card is yours for $79. The magic stickers are $60 for a pack of 10. I think we plebs know that these ‘essential lifestyle’ items need not trouble us. We can just carry on scoffing wotsits and assuming our vaginas are probs ok.

I am heartened to be reminded though, that the super-rich are just as frightened of life and death and chaos as I am.

Anaïs Nin wrote, “Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another.”

Yeah, she didn’t have kids…

But I know what she means. My reality is very shackly at the mo. My intoxication is wine. My ecstasy is an uninterrupted few hours of sleep. My escape is, was, and always will be, books.

And whilst I believe GP’s stickers to be about as useful to your well-being as whacking a kid’s sticker on your boob, we are all of us just trying to crack on in our own ways.

Us plebs just do it with a bit less BS…

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