For those of you who no speaky the Deutsch, today’s title is telling you that today my Dad is seventy. I’m saying it in Deutsch coz we’ll be celebrating it in Berlin this weekend and I’m in practice.

Ist gut, ja?

“Ich brauche wein” is the only phrase I need to memorise.

Before we go any further – WARNING: I’m going to gush about my Dad. If you don’t have a Dad, or hate your Dad, this post might make you feel rubbish, so only read on if you want to…

Here follows a list of thank you’s for mein vater:

  1. For doing the thing with Mum wot begot me (YAK – why have I mentioned THAT?)
  2. For already having done the thing wot begot my big sister and now my best friend (ENOUGH with the begotting now)
  3. For being our tickle monster every Sunday morning when we were ickle
  4. For moments like these:20170425_193749
  5. For teaching me how to ride a bike (some so-called ‘friends’ have suggested we explore Berlin on these two-wheeled instruments of torture. We must dismiss these people from our lives immediately)
  6. For teaching me how to drive a car aged 8 by sitting on your lap while you were ACTUALLY DRIVING…ah, thems were the days!
  7. For renting Fame the movie for my 9th birthday party without realising it was NOT like the TV show and the opening scene was all ‘fucking motherfuckers’ thereby making me COOL AS FUCK for YONKS
  8. For giving not the teeniest fuck how good I was at school work
  9. For agreeing that the teachers who dissed me were surely bastards
  10. For when I got caught smoking at school and your response was just: “you’re a clot for getting caught”
  11. For giving me The Beatles, Fleetwood Mac, Carole King and later UB40, Dire Straits and Phil Collins – all played INCREDIBLY LOUD in your car on every journey
  12. For being my taxi, always rocking up to pick me up, plus ten thousand other drunk teenagers
  13. For the night Mum died, when it was just you and me in the room at the hospital and we had no words and I cried into your shoulder for ages
  14. For being Mum and Dad. Esp when I announced aged 16, that I MUST HAVE AN HIV TEST IMMEDIATELY. (It WAS the late 80’s, but still…)
  15. For all the Little Chef breakfasts when I should have been at school
  16. For all the boyfriends you had to endure (never mind the ones I never dared bring home)
  17. For buying me my first car and not going mental when I smashed it up
  18. For buying me my second car and not going mental when I smashed it up
  19. For installing a carphone in car number 3 – I was the only girl in Warwickshire to have one!
  20. For not minding when I cocked up my A levels
  21. For not minding when I housed an entire theatre company in our home for six months
  22. For when I went, wobbly, to Uni and you recorded and sent me audio tapes every week during my first term. Your voice beaming into my lonely room was EVERYTHING
  23. For paying off my student loan
  24. For paying off loads of other loans (actually, I could do with a chat about our current situ)
  25. For finding my brilliant step-mum, and later for not letting her deeply unfair death sink you, or us
  26. For finding your new partner, who you shall not marry because: DEAD WIVES, but who is utterly brill and we adore her
  27. For when I got pregnant and the whole family went into meltdown but your response was: “what fun!”
  28. For my wedding day when you stood up and spoke so proudly of me and also publicly demolished my character
  29. For when the past caught up with me and made our relationship tricky for a while – you waited, you tried harder, you never gave up on us
  30. For everything you are for my kids
  31. For everything you are for me

32 things. I could have written 32,000.

Happy Birthday Dad,

Prost! xxx