Ah, the simple pleasure of a hand-delivered letter…

Tomorrow, at an undisclosed time, a powerful man called Barrow will deliver a letter written by a powerful woman called May to another powerful man called Tusk (who is definitely not the same fella as that nasty Tusk in House of Cards) and at the precise moment when the powerful man called Tusk touches the envelope containing the letter written by the powerful woman called May and delivered by the powerful man called Barrow a process will be triggered which will see THE WHOLE OF THE UNITED KINGDOM SUCKED INTO A VORTEX WHERE WE WILL ALL HAVE TO SHARE THE MILK PRODUCED FROM THE ONE REMAINING COW ALIVE ON THE BRITISH ISLES.

This delivery method is being labelled as ‘triggering,’ which led many of us plebs to imagine the powerful woman called May would pick up some kind of device connected to the Channel Tunnel, the triggering of which would cause the whole thing to blow up whilst our National Anthem played and Jim Davidson did a spot of stand-up.

Other plebs who are in the world of mentalness caused by traumatic events imagined the powerful woman called May would cause all the powerful people in Brussels to have a psychotic breakdown caused by certain discussions which would trigger their trauma of being in the EU all these years.

But in fact, the triggering of the process which will see our fair isle sucked into a cultural and political vortex, is just a letter, delivered by one fella to another fella.

What will the letter say?

Dear EU,

It’s not ‘EU’, it’s Me…

Love Britain xxx

Or:

Dear EU,

Just a quick note to say we’re leaving ‘EU’. We need to be free to see other people, mainly the US. They have Lucky Charms and will buy our NHS. We’re also keen on China as they have no human rights laws and hate the world. Please don’t follow us.

Yours, Britain

Ah, we have so much to look forward to in our vortex:

  • Our children will play in the road again and everybody will drink-drive and the two activities occurring at the same time will not end badly.
  • There will be no Rioja or Barolo or decent champagne. This will lead to a spike in divorces, but also a spike in sales of local wine made with gooseberries which has hallucinogenic properties.
  • There will be no people of colour. AT ALL.
  • There will especially be no Muslims.
  • We will immediately be able to buy all the shizzle we want at bargain prices from all the countries we like the best e.g. Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq and all they will want in return is our excellent weaponry.
  • All children born into the vortex will be given the purest of English names. NB these will be hard to determine because: IMMIGRATION and also INVASION but it seems Alden and Hayley meet the criteria. Kevin and Kylie are out.
  • Once we are fully fucked, we may seek to escape the vortex. This will be impossible. But it won’t matter because all our best people will have jumped ship before April 2019 and will be living in sunny Mexico, drinking tequila and building a lovely big wall to keep the Americans out.

Oh please let them televise the delivery of the letter. Please let us see Barrow, clutching his very important letter, knocking on the door of Tusk whose filthy foreign dogs will start yapping and being all rabid so that Barrow has to leg it back down the garden path, yelping: I’ll tell Treeza to just text you instead, yeah?!

Ah, the return of Trigger-Happy TV at last!

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