Happy Two Month Anniversary to the POTUS!

That’s right people, it was January 20th 2017 when at least 1.5 million people gathered in Washington DC in brilliant sunshine to cheerfully witness a truth-telling freedom-fighter being sworn in.*

*None of these statements are alternative facts.**

**Alternative fact.

How fortuitous that this two month anniversary should fall today, on the UN’s International Day of Happiness.

You might think the UN is a respected international organisation, established after the second world war to prevent another conflict, with 193 member states whose directives include maintaining international peace and security, promoting human rights, fostering social and economic development, protecting the environment and providing humanitarian aid in times of famine, war and natural disaster…but as is so often the case with things you thought were true pre-Trump, this turns out to be FALSE.

The POTUS tells us via twitter that the UN is “just a club for people to get together, talk and have a good time. So sad!”

Thank goodness he’s there now to shut everyone up and make sure everyone is having a shit time. So happy!

 

This is why he probs won’t be reading their annual World Happiness Report. This report is full of facts like mental ill-health being our single biggest cause of misery – more than poor income, employment or physical illness put together, even in the poorer countries.

Facts like for children, the biggest influence on their current and future happiness is not education, nor the income or employment of their parents, but specifically the good mental health of their mothers.

Facts about what contributes to happiness and life satisfaction which include: caring, freedom, generosity, honesty, trust and good governance.

And the fact that the single biggest reason for people to re-elect their current government is not economic growth, employment or inflation, but LIFE SATISFACTION, aka HAPPINESS…

HANG ON THE ACTUAL WHAT NOW? Are you, the UN, the United Numpties, telling us that if Trump keeps the people happy by being caring, generous and honest, they’re more likely to re-elect him?

That if he stops squealing about microwave ovens and the UN, NATO, FBI, CIA, CNN, SNL, he could serve another term?

That if he shakes hands with people he doesn’t like and stops giving jobs to his kids and finally releases his tax returns and stops hating on muslims, the American people will begin to trust him?

Thank the UN he will never be arsed to get his infantile hands on that report! 

Shhhhh everyone. We must keep quiet about all the factual shizzle. We must allow him to continue his doozer efforts to divide and conquer. Americans, your lives will be shit for a bit, but soon you will be free.

I don’t know about you, but I feel happier already…

Even more than when I made myself this ham and coleslaw bagel for my lunch today:

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Look – I couldn’t even wait to get stuck in before I took the pic. That is how satisfying it was.

I swore I would never post a pic of my yummy food on this blog. But that was before I realised it was International Happiness Day and that you need all be aware that ham and coleslaw bagels are THE MOST SIGNIFICANT FACTOR IN THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS AND LIFE SATISFACTION. Unless you’re vegetarian obvs. Or vegan. Or kosher. Or gluten-free. Or Gwyneth Paltrow…

Gah –  this universal happiness shizzle is tricky!

Happy Happiness Day, folks. We have new reasons to be cheerful…