Why is everything so hacky at the mo?

Life hacks, money hacks, parenting hacks, dating hacks…

The word ‘hack’ makes me think of a computer whiz hacking into the CIA database. Why on earth on earth would I want a life hack; to hack into my own life which I (unfortunately) already have full access to?

Other definitions of the word ‘hack’:

  • To cut with rough or heavy blows. (I def could do with applying some of this hacking to certain people in my life)
  • To cough in a short dry manner. (I already have this hack)
  • To be annoyed, hacked-off. (I am permanently this type of hacked)
  • A writer who is paid to write low-quality, rushed articles often to a short deadline. (I am doing this hacking right now, minus the pay)

In fact, in this world of self-improvement, where we are constantly urged to be ‘the best version of ourselves’, the life hack means a strategy or technique adopted in order to manage one’s time and daily activities in a more efficient way – a trick, shortcut or skill to increase productivity and efficiency.

In which case I need ALL the hacks. Especially the dating ones if Gwyneth and I are to attempt one of these rancid ‘date nights’ where it seems you must get dressed up, take a selfie of yourselves and post it to social media with the hashtag: #datenight which ought to read: #hatenight coz being on a scheduled night out with your partner will serve only to emphasise your mutual loathing which is ordinarily camouflaged by being at home, drunk, watching Homeland and shouting at your offspring.

The information super-highway tells me that dating hacks include:

  • Going to a movie before dinner, then you’ll have something to talk about. Which defeats the whole purpose of going to the movies which is so that you DON’T HAVE TO SPEAK TO EACH OTHER.
  • Laugh with your partner for 10 mins every day. The word ‘with’ as opposed to ‘at’ makes this totally unachievable.

What about parenting hacks? I def need some of those as I HATE parenting…

  • ‘Make a fun hammock by tying a blanket around a table!’ This surely only qualifies as a ‘hack’ if you are already routinely attempting to create fun hammocks for your kids to play in but always find it too time-consuming and therefore need a more hacky way of doing it. Which means you are an arsehole and deserve to have your entire life sucked away by pointless attempts to entertain your kids while the rest of us are letting them throw themselves down the stairs.

Let us have some sanity here. Here are my top five life hacks which are guaranteed to help you manage your time more efficiently and become more productive:

  1. Do NOT have children
  2. Do NOT get married
  3. Do NOT get a job
  4. Do NOT be poor
  5. If you cannot achieve the above, at least do NOT attempt to get through any given 24hr period without substantial volumes of alcohol

Aaaaah, a more fulfilled, energised and organised you awaits!

You’re so welcome ❤

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