Today’s post will almost entirely feature the words of others, lifted from my local community facebook page.

Do you have a local facebook group? If you don’t may I suggest you create one immediately. It will offer you a unique source of appallingly punctuated rants, intense pedantry and a near constant stream of dogshit sightings.

A recent post featured a picture taken from a CCTV camera, of a woman who had brazenly entered this resident’s private driveway, watched as her filthy canine dumped its load on the gravel and then pottered off leaving it behind, unknowingly having triggered a near-global scandal of dog-owning arseholery (aka several hundred comments on facebook).

Dog-related posts are by far the most prevalent in this dog-obsessed suburb. Aside from immoral turding, there are endless people selling a dog, losing a dog, finding a dog, wanting a dog, look at my dog, my girlfriend’s a dog, my dog is dead.

The next most popular category are parking fails. If you park incorrectly, or worse – thoughtlessly – you risk being photographed and publicly shamed. Other car-based posts include: Thanks a fucking BUNCH to the WANKER who just cut me up at the lights on (insert road name) you massive FUCKTARD.

Close behind are all things robbed, smashed or punched: Everyone BE AWARE – just got back to my flat on (insert road name) and some DIRTY LOWLIFE SCUMBAG has come in and nicked my laptop, phone and wallet – keep your doors LOCKED people (I wish I had) there are some nasty BASTARDS out there.

But today, the group is galvanised by the opening of a brand new M&S Simply Food store.

 

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This much-anticipated event has reached its facebook group crescendo today, causing those who have no disposable income but a high standard of moral integrity to spat with those who have loads of money but no moral integrity or with those who have no money but at least a credit card so they can pretend to be totally able to buy a Morrocan-Spiced Ham Shank with garden peas for a Thursday supper.

Which of those sections of society do you think I am in?

Enjoy dear readers. All of life is here…

  • I would rather have a Quality Save shop or one of the cheaper freezer shops so people can afford to buy food for their kids
  • I would prefer my children eat healthy food rather than frozen mass-produced chemical induced rubbish
  • It would be nice if we all lived in a world where everyone can afford fresh meat and veg which is twice as expensive as frozen
  • I agree what we really need is more pound shops
  • I think the main market will be for quality ready meals and that type of thing. But I could be wrong
  • Hooray! I never have to cook again!
  • OMIGOD YESSSSSSS!
  • Why you all so bothered about a big retail store opening near you? Shouldn’t you be more bothered about the small local businesses it’s going to do over?
  • “Do over” lol. You make M&S sound like the Kray Twins
  • Calm down people. It’s just a shop
  • Just passed and it’s traffic chaos
  • There’s been an accident on the main road
  • Too many cars on the bloody roads
  • No it’s a tram hit a pedestrian 😣 hope they’re ok
  • 😢 Oh no – hope all ok
  • 😠 there will be more accidents. Should have been opened on the high street
  • I repeat: It’s JUST A SHOP
  • And the Beatles were just a band
  • Led Zeppelin: just a band
  • The Beach Boys: just a band
  • This isn’t just a shop. This is a high-end gourmet retail experience, packed with delectable choices and luxury delights. This…..is M&S
  • Lol
  • 😂
  • Can someone pop in and let me know if they’ve got Cavolo Nero in please?
  • Cavolo what?
  • It’s black Kale
  • Wtaf?
  • We tried to go in at 8.30am on the way to school. They very politely declined our entry
  • I will be going this eve if I get Cavolo confirmation. I’m wearing a poncho and I won’t have the kids. I figure I have a fair shot at entry
  • I’m just worried about the impact this is going to have on McDonald’s. Those M&S fat cats don’t give a shit about Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar
  • I hope they have a good security guard like Tesco and McDonalds. After 3pm the dark mist appears in the form of high school kids
  • Should have been an Aldi
  • Does anyone know if they have bike stands?
  • Cavolo Nero anyone…?

All I know is that my lunch was outstanding. My dinner will be amazing. And in between we have those tubs of delicious mini-treats…

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Just don’t tell Gwyneth. He’s forgotten he left me with the credit card when he went away…

And yes. They have Cavolo Nero. Of course they do. This is M&S…