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Ar ‘ey looks like you been blaggin’ our ‘eads there divvy!

Yes. I know my scouse. But for the benefit of readers unfamiliar with your Merseyside-isms, let me translate: hello, it looks like you’ve been lying to us you stupid person.

Before we go any further, Paul Nuttall, let me offer you a little educational exercise.

Consider the following two statements:

  1. I met Tony Blair once. It was at the Labour Party conference just before he won the election. In the midst of a jubilant crowd, his eyes found mine and he reached for me. We stood there together, our hands warm from the heat of the room and also from the hope in our hearts. His smile said: Don’t worry my pretty, I’m here now. Suddenly he was moved along by his team and our hands were torn apart, but our connection which everyone around us was witness to, would never be broken…until he started dicking about in Iraq obvs…
  2. Tony Blair and I were in love and lived together in a squat in Finsbury Park.

The first statement is an example of embellishment. To embellish is to add details which are untrue in order to make the whole thing more interesting. I did meet Tony Blair at the Labour Party conference. He did reach his hand out to me. But only because I’d shoved myself to the front of the jubilant crowd in the hopes of getting a close-up of our next PM. He shook my hand for a nanosecond. And was gone.

The second statement is an example of a lie. To lie is to make a false statement with deliberate intent to deceive.

Effective embellishment is an art form, a skill requiring a sound understanding of precisely which details are appropriate for exaggeration so as to avoid tipping in to actual lying.

Embellishment is entirely acceptable when:

  1. Your intention is to make people laugh. Gilding for comic effect is THE LAW. E.g. in a daft blog.
  2. You’re writing your CV. E.g. your three evenings spent babysitting a sleeping kid who has dyslexia can totally legitimately become ‘experience of working with children with special needs.’ Not permitted would be, ‘I have a PhD in Special Needs Education.’

Both of these are allowed. Unless you are a politician.

And I believe, Paul Nuttall, that you believe yourself to be a politician.

And as you really should know by now, to be a successful politician, you should be very careful with embellishments. They should definitely not be written down. Especially not on your own website. Especially not if you’re the leader of a party with a reputation for making up facts and printing them on the side of buses in order to dupe the public into making decisions which they later come to regret but sod that coz your mates got to meet the POTUS in a gold lift.

You must especially not, in print, or even in private, embellish facts about Hillsborough, an event which affected many of your fellow Merseyside folk. An event which a major donor to your party has today said he is “sick to death of hearing about” and also that the victim’s families are sick themselves for “milking a tragedy forever.”

Your Mr Arron Banks is very sickie today isn’t he?

“FUCKSAKE SHUDDUP BANKS!” You want to shout at him (but won’t coz he’s a major donor to your party). “Here I am trying to make everyone buy that I’m a personally bereaved victim of Hillsborough so I can become a member of the Houses of Parliament and get to stand REALLY CLOSE to Teresa May and maybe even TOUCH HER and there you are, reminding everyone that we’re actually a party of vile, verbally-incontinent VERMIN!”

No need for panic though Paul Nuttall. For you have your sacrificial lamb all lined-up. You have Lynda Roughley, the embellishing press officer with the most apt name in the business.

Roughley is happy to take the blame for saying you lost roughly a few ‘close personal friends’ at Hillsborough. Was she the same press officer who said you had roughly one PhD in History? And were once roughly a professional football player for Tranmere Rovers?

These embellishments were uncovered back in December. And they are only embellishments, as opposed to lies, because you did once start to get a PhD and you did once play for the Rovers youth team.

I can only assume that at this moment back in December, instead of instructing Roughley to immediately and thoroughly check everything that appears on your website to save any future humiliation, you just thought: nah, can’t be arsed – how can I photoshop a pic of me standing on the pitch at Hillsborough, weeping?

May I suggest that this evening would be well spent finding witnesses who will testify to your presence at Hillsborough on that terrible day so as to avoid you being outed as not just an embellisher, but an actual liar? I don’t think even Roughley can take the blame for what actually comes out of your actual mouth…

Also – I’d steer clear of Liverpool for a while if I were you. You scousers can be right buggers for milking a tragedy forever…

Yours,

The Annagram