Attention everyone! Our schools are IN CRISIS!

There are, right now in this country, a huge number of people who are of the mistaken belief that they know how to teach our children.

They call themselves TEACHERS.

Which is a title no longer fit for purpose. Instead we should name them: soft-shite-liberal-pampering-holiday-taking-arseholes.

Here are the facts, people:

At Findern Primary in Derby, children are allowed to wear slippers in the classroom. SLIPPERS? And the ‘teachers’ are wearing them too. It’s not a bloody sleepover!

The school insists the wearing of slippers creates a more relaxed learning environment and improves behaviour. Well excuse me but since when was school meant to be relaxing? It ought to be the most hellish, torturous, hateful experience which teaches you nothing and leaves you with severe mental health problems for the rest of your life.

Findern is not alone.

This organised conspiracy to turn our kids into gigantic touchy-feely BABIES who CRY when anyone so much as punches them in the face and nicks their lunch money is taking over the entire country.

At Brighton College they have introduced emergency meditation sessions where children are instructed to stop what they’re doing (being dicks) and, to quote their head of creative learning, “feel themselves sitting in the chair.”

Well, let me tell you that for a whole year at school I had to sit next to a girl who did that all day and it was deeply disturbing. Especially for her when she began to be followed around the playground having the theme tune from the Finger of Fudge advert sung at her: “A finger a fudge is just enough to give Sue Taylor a treat…” Ah, the jocular shenanigans of school days!

Brighton College is also providing boingy chairs so the children can bounce a bit instead of sitting rigidly upright all day. As if physical comfort had anything to do with learning! I mean, the Victorians used to sit on cold hard benches and if they moved would get smacked on the hand with a cold hard stick. And they turned out a generation of PERFECTLY NORMAL, EMOTIONALLY LITERATE, LOVELY PEOPLE.

Honestly, at this rate our kids are seriously in danger of ENJOYING school. This could lead to intelligent young people who have opinions and know how to articulate them and also how to express their feelings which will turn them into a generation of rampantly marvellous and happy free-thinkers.

Please don’t think I am some kind of armchair amateur. I am not making this stuff up. I have evidence of this plague of emotional well-being and fun that is sweeping through our schools.

Only this morning I was actually booked and paid (with YOUR taxes, people) to turn up to a primary school for the express purpose of making children HAVE FUN.

It was grotesque.

ALL of the children giggled and laughed ALL of the time. We sang silly songs. I made hilarious fart noises. They learned how to repeat rhythms and how to make rhymes. They co-operated with each other in a way that was awful to see in such young children who should be taught to FIGHT for their possessions and accept that life is a constant struggle to GRAB ALL THE GOOD STUFF BEFORE ANYONE ELSE.

What’s worse, I had to conduct these barbarically entertaining sessions ON THE FLOOR and we all had OUR SHOES OFF. This meant I could tickle their feet which led to far too much amusement. We can only hope that these children do not go home and report to their parents that they had a lovely day at school and learned new songs and actions from a silly woman who had a sticker on her that looked like this:

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…because she couldn’t resist pulling funny faces when signing in at the security desk.

If their parents are decent, right-minded people, they will respond by arriving at the school tomorrow and verbally abusing the staff, as parents at Sandwood Primary in Glasgow have done.

These parents have rightly spotted that teachers have zero expertise in the business of teaching children and that they are the true experts in this matter. They prove this by behaving like utter thugs in front their kids.

As their darlings rush out at the end of a day of fun and relaxation, their parents have been so outraged at the state of their education that they have, to quote Headteacher Fiona Donnelly, “behaved inappropriately towards members of staff, shouting, using offensive language and causing significant stress.”

She has responded to this perfectly acceptable parental behaviour in precisely the way you would expect of a teacher. She’s put them all in time-out. They now have to wait in designated Parent Zones and are forbidden from speaking to staff without an appointment. Essentially she’s said that if you can’t ALL behave nicely, NONE of you will get to play at all.

I’ve had difficult and uncomfortable conversations with teachers over the years. If you have kid with special needs, you have to become their advocate and sometimes you come up against ignorance and bias. But I tended to arrange meetings. I don’t think I ever swore. I cried, often. But I believed the best way forward was to try and communicate, to be respectful, to express myself with dignity, because that is what I was seeking for my child.

Then again, what do I know? I’m just a kid’s entertainer. I mean, as our kids are coming to realise, you don’t get anywhere in life, will never become say, a world leader, unless you use vile language, bullying and block your ears to experts…