Oh Britain, please STOP being such spoil-sports!

More than 1.6 million of you have now signed a petition to stop Trump having tea with the Queen.

The worry is that Liz will be ’embarrassed’ by the visit (which for us Brits is the greatest discomfort we can endure) but I think we doth protest too much. She’s been fine with lovely fellas like Ceausescu, Mugabe and Assad…

And let us not forget, she’s essentially spent the last 70+ years wedded to Trump. Our Prince Phil has been Trumping in public for years. When meeting a female sea cadet (dressed as a sea cadet), he asked her, ‘do you work in a strip club?’ And to the President of Nigeria (in national dress), ‘You look like you’re ready for bed.’

Liz can totally handle the Donald.

The other concern is that Trump is so mean, we shouldn’t be condoning his actions by giving him a one-to-one at the palace. This is daft because: a) Ceausescu, Magabe, Assad etcetera; and b) we’re missing a wonderful opportunity to gift Trump an item that will take his eyes off the prize of world-domination; a soother; a little distracting pleasure; like a haribo to an injured child.

It’s tradition for gifts to be exchanged during state visits. Obama was given a selection of letters from the royal archives between past US Presidents and English monarchs.

We’re not entirely sure if Trump can read, so I suggest we give him something more in keeping with his hobbies:


That is Edward VII’s love seat. Nicknamed ‘Bertie, The Playboy Prince of Wales’ and ‘Edward the Caresser’, this contraption allowed him to have sexual relations with two women at the same time with minimal effort; essential for a portly prince with a huge appetite for food and fornication.

It would look wonderful in the Oval office. It could be a companion piece to the Resolute Desk which was a gift from Edward the Caresser’s mum, Queen Victoria, in 1880 and made from the timber of HMS Resolute.

A final touch for our replica love seat would be to have it made with gold handcrafted by Syria’s finest jewellers.

This way, not only will he be spangled with multiple sexual relations, but once he learns there’s money to be made in the Syrian jewellery trade, every road from Syria to America will suddenly be paved not with refugees, but with gold…

POTUS – Britannia Welcomes You!