Interior. Oval Office. Morning. Every surface is rammed with busts of Trump. The largest stands on his desk. It is gold. Someone has placed a KKK cone on its head. The bust of Martin Luther King is being used as a doorstop.
Enter: Trump in his underpants. They are printed with the image of the Russian flag. Bannon follows behind. Last in is a young woman dressed only in a bikini and heels, carrying Trump’s clothes.
Trump: Fuck England. I’m not gonna lick that dyke’s ass.
Bannon: Agreed. But we have to try to like her, Don.
Trump: [to the girl in the bikini] Socks!
Girl: Yes sir, Mr President.
[He sits in his chair. She kneels down in front of him and begins putting his socks on]
Trump: That’s another thing Bannon. You gotta call me Mr President all the time.
Bannon: Well Don, it just seems kinda weird after all these years…
Trump: Fine. You’re fired.
Bannon: No need, Mr President.
Trump: [to girl] Damn, you’re the finest dresser I ever had sweetie.
Girl: Thank you Mr President. Would you stand for me to pull your suit pants up please Mr President?
Trump: Will I get a kiss for being a good boy?
Girl: Of course Mr President.
Bannon: Fucks sake Don, would you cut it out?
Trump: You’re fired.
Bannon: You gonna say that to me every fuckin’ minute?
Trump: Every minute you don’t call me Mr President.
Bannon: Jesus. Fine. Mr President, would you please stop playing with that girl in front of me?
Bannon: Well, partly coz as your senior strategist, I am trying to advise you on what strategy to use with the English Prime Minister. And partly coz, as you know, she’s my FUCKING DAUGHTER.
Trump: [raising his eyebrows]
Girl: Say it! Say it quick!
Bannon: Fuck this shit… Mr PRESIDENT.
Trump: I can take it from here, thanks baby Bannon…
[Girl leaves. Kisses Bannon on her way out. The phone rings. Bannon listens]
Bannon: She’s here. You ready?
Trump: [raises his eyebrows]
Bannon: Are you ready, Mr President?
Trump: Adda boy. America First!
Bannon: America First, Mr President. But Britain second, yes? She’s a Nationalist too, remember…
Cut to: later in the Oval Office. Theresa May is sprawled on one sofa, shoes off. Trump is on the other, shoes and tie off. They are giggling.
Trump: Ok next. What about the blacks?
May: Never met one. You?
Trump: One or two.
May: Tricky. There are so many kinds of Jew aren’t there?
Trump: Greedy ones. Lying ones. But fine business minds, some of ’em.
May: You’ve got to get them out of Hollywood though.
Trump: Right? That’s the next executive order.
May: Fuck, I wish I had them. I can’t do anything until a whole bunch of spineless twats agree to it.
Trump: I’m gonna exec order my ass off for the next four years.
May: Lucky bastard. Go on. Ask me another.
May: Can’t stand them. Next.
Trump: Stupid people.
May: Fine if they’re rich. The poor ones are the problem. D’you know what we call them in England?
Trump: Tell me.
May: Plebs! Isn’t that the most wonderful term?
May: Oh it sounds so silly in your American accent! Say it again!
May: Oh it’s simply darling!
Trump: Ok, what about the handicapped?
May: Loathsome. Bring back natural selection!
May: Well we do differ on this.
Trump: I knew it. Fuckin’ chicks.
May: Not at all. I’m in favour of abortion for plebs. Simply because we want less plebs.
Trump: Fuck I never thought of it like that. But I signed the order already…
May: Oh don’t worry about that. That was just the foreigners. But you need to stop your trash from multiplying.
Trump: Ok. What about Nuclear stuff?
May: LOVE IT.
Trump: I know, right? It’s just like [mimes pushing a button] zap! Fuck you Syria!
May: [same mime] Zap! Iraq!
Trump: So we’re good with the trade deals?
May: Absolutely. Whatever you want. As long as you buy the NHS.
Trump: Deal. But you gotta get behind me on this climate change bullshit.
May: You know I’d love to, but the Brits are really keen on it.
Trump: What if I said I’d never speak to Michael Gove again?
Trump: Awesome! Let’s go make some money!
The Annagram: And Cut! Great guys, really great. Fantastic realistic performances!
May: Who is this woman?
Trump: No idea.
The Annagram: Ha! Funny! Ok, it’s a wrap on this crazy fucked-up fantasy!
The Annagram: Guys! I said cut. You can stop now.
May: Shall I call my men?
Trump: No I’ll get mine.
The Annagram: But I made this shit up! It’s MY nightmare. And I can say when it’s OVER.
[Enter: men with guns. The Annagram is wrestled to the ground.]
The Annagram: CUT! I SAID CUT! CUT C-
[She is shot in the head]
May: Fucking arty-wankers.
Trump: Fucking women.
May: Fucking liberal elites.
Trump: Fucking Jews.