Interior. Oval Office. Morning. Every surface is rammed with busts of Trump. The largest stands on his desk. It is gold. Someone has placed a KKK cone on its head. The bust of Martin Luther King is being used as a doorstop.

Enter: Trump in his underpants. They are printed with the image of the Russian flag. Bannon follows behind. Last in is a young woman dressed only in a bikini and heels, carrying Trump’s clothes.

Trump: Fuck England. I’m not gonna lick that dyke’s ass.

Bannon: Agreed. But we have to try to like her, Don.

Trump: [to the girl in the bikini] Socks!

Girl: Yes sir, Mr President.

[He sits in his chair. She kneels down in front of him and begins putting his socks on]

Trump: That’s another thing Bannon. You gotta call me Mr President all the time.

Bannon: Well Don, it just seems kinda weird after all these years…

Trump: Fine. You’re fired.

Bannon: No need, Mr President.

Trump: [to girl] Damn, you’re the finest dresser I ever had sweetie.

Girl: Thank you Mr President. Would you stand for me to pull your suit pants up please Mr President?

Trump: Will I get a kiss for being a good boy?

Girl: Of course Mr President.

Bannon: Fucks sake Don, would you cut it out?

Trump: You’re fired.

Bannon: You gonna say that to me every fuckin’ minute?

Trump: Every minute you don’t call me Mr President.

Bannon: Jesus. Fine. Mr President, would you please stop playing with that girl in front of me?

Trump: Why?

Bannon: Well, partly coz as your senior strategist, I am trying to advise you on what strategy to use with the English Prime Minister. And partly coz, as you know, she’s my FUCKING DAUGHTER.

Trump: [raising his eyebrows]

Girl: Daddy!

Bannon: What?

Girl: Say it! Say it quick!

Bannon: Fuck this shit… Mr PRESIDENT.

Trump: I can take it from here, thanks baby Bannon…

[Girl leaves. Kisses Bannon on her way out. The phone rings. Bannon listens]

Bannon: She’s here. You ready?

Trump: [raises his eyebrows]

Bannon: Are you ready, Mr President?

Trump: Adda boy. America First!

Bannon: America First, Mr President. But Britain second, yes? She’s a Nationalist too, remember…

Cut to: later in the Oval Office. Theresa May is sprawled on one sofa, shoes off. Trump is on the other, shoes and tie off. They are giggling.

Trump: Ok next. What about the blacks?

May: Never met one. You?

Trump: One or two.

May: Ghastly.

Trump: Jews?

May: Tricky. There are so many kinds of Jew aren’t there?

Trump: Greedy ones. Lying ones. But fine business minds, some of ’em.

May: You’ve got to get them out of Hollywood though.

Trump: Right? That’s the next executive order.

May: Fuck, I wish I had them. I can’t do anything until a whole bunch of spineless twats agree to it.

Trump: I’m gonna exec order my ass off for the next four years.

May: Lucky bastard. Go on. Ask me another.

Trump: Women.

May: Can’t stand them. Next.

Trump: Stupid people.

May: Fine if they’re rich. The poor ones are the problem. D’you know what we call them in England?

Trump: Tell me.

May: Plebs! Isn’t that the most wonderful term?

Trump: Plebs!

May: Oh it sounds so silly in your American accent! Say it again!

Trump: Plebs!

May: Oh it’s simply darling!

Trump: Ok, what about the handicapped?

May: Loathsome. Bring back natural selection!

Trump: Abortion?

May: Well we do differ on this.

Trump: I knew it. Fuckin’ chicks.

May: Not at all. I’m in favour of abortion for plebs. Simply because we want less plebs.

Trump: Fuck I never thought of it like that. But I signed the order already…

May: Oh don’t worry about that. That was just the foreigners. But you need to stop your trash from multiplying.

Trump: Ok. What about Nuclear stuff?


Trump: I know, right? It’s just like [mimes pushing a button] zap! Fuck you Syria!

May: [same mime] Zap! Iraq!

Trump: So we’re good with the trade deals?

May: Absolutely. Whatever you want. As long as you buy the NHS.

Trump: Deal. But you gotta get behind me on this climate change bullshit.

May: You know I’d love to, but the Brits are really keen on it.

Trump: What if I said I’d never speak to Michael Gove again?

May: Done!

Trump: Awesome! Let’s go make some money!

[They high-five]

The Annagram: And Cut! Great guys, really great. Fantastic realistic performances! 

May: Who is this woman?

Trump: No idea.

The Annagram: Ha! Funny! Ok, it’s a wrap on this crazy fucked-up fantasy!


The Annagram: Guys! I said cut. You can stop now.

May: Shall I call my men?

Trump: No I’ll get mine.

The Annagram: But I made this shit up! It’s MY nightmare. And I can say when it’s OVER.

[Enter: men with guns. The Annagram is wrestled to the ground.]

The Annagram: CUT! I SAID CUT! CUT C-

[She is shot in the head]

May: Fucking arty-wankers.

Trump: Fucking women.

May: Fucking liberal elites.

Trump: Fucking Jews.

The Beginning