Today is a rainy day up north.

I know this because I can see it through the window and can hear it tap-tapping against the glass.

I also know this because when I go outside I can feel it dropping on my head.

There are very few things in life we can be sure of. Knowing when it is raining may be one of them.

If it has been raining, it may take us a few moments to spot that it has stopped, but to stand outside in the rain, to see it with our own eyes and perhaps comment to our fellow humans that: it is raining, is one of life’s rare experiences of reliable reality. 

It rained in Washington DC on Friday. I wasn’t there, so cannot personally corroborate the presence of the wet stuff, but I watched live as many thousands of people huddled under waterproof ponchos. (Or maybe millions, or at least definitely more than ever, even though it didn’t look like it but who believes in photographic evidence? Only courts of law and the CIA are stooopid enough to rely on photographs as concrete evidence. Trolls!).

Even the lying, self-serving political elite couldn’t deny the authenticity of these raindrops as they shared ponchos and huddled under see-through brolleys which looked like they had raindrops on, but definitely didn’t.

Because despite all evidence to the contrary, it did NOT rain.

This is what actually happened:

“It was almost raining. But God looked down and he said, ‘we’re not gonna let it rain on your speech.’ When I first started I said, ‘oh no.’ The first line I got hit by a coupla drops. And I said, ‘oh this is too bad, but we’ll go right through it.’ But the truth is that, it stopped immediately. It was amazing. And then it became really sunny. Then I walked off and it poured right after I left.”

That is Trump, speaking at the CIA HQ on Saturday.

It did not rain.

Not only did it not rain, it became ‘really sunny.’

Moreover, it did not rain and it did become really sunny because God got his team of trusted meteorologists together and expressly forbade any raining on Trump’s parade for the precise length of his speech.

Except I counted the drops on his coat. And there were 31 drops of rain visible to the naked eye. (Yep, I have spent a sizeable portion of my day studying a blown-up image of Trump, this is why I am arranging to be grotesquely drunk by 7pm).

Ah, but the term ‘a coupla’ is not specific. He could have meant more than the two we imagine when we say a couple.

Of course that’s possible. And when you factor in the rush of adrenalin he would have been experiencing (especially after having God speak directly to him while he was mid-speech), it is possible that he would have remembered it as not raining, as being, in fact, sunny because that’s how it felt to him from up there. Just like it seemed to him there were a million and a half people in the crowd.

It’s like when I’ve been doing stand-up. In the intoxicating blur of adrenalin and terror, I have believed the audience to be hysterically laughing to the point of vaginal prolapse. I have also imagined that I looked rather good up there, in a flattering outfit with tons of slap on my face. And whilst comedy gigs are always hot like a sauna, I coped well with the heat as I had worn appropriately airy footwear.

But on viewing the video footage, apres show, I see that the audience giggled pleasingly, but all vaginas remained intact. I also realise that when hot, clothes stick to you unflatteringly and make-up disappears. And that I was clearly not coping with the heat, but sweating like the birth of a child was imminent.

Trump won’t have it that it rained because the liberal elite are using terms like ‘pathetic fallacy’ which he doesn’t understand but definitely doesn’t like. Or they say ‘even God was crying’ about his hate-speech which he knows is a lie because he was chatting to the big fella himself and knows for a fact that God voted for him.

Yet even the loony religious fanatics know that it rained (the ones we don’t mind coz they don’t wear hijabs). They took to twitter in their droves (how many people make up a ‘drove’?) claiming that the rain was, in fact God’s blessing on his physical representation on earth. But this was before they got the instruction to deny all evidence of rain.

Oh Annagram, of all the things Trump has lied about, why get all stressed about this? It’s only rain!

Because Trump does not control the weather, even if, like Hitler, he believes he does.

Because Trump does not have a direct line to God.

But most of all, because we need to hang on to the truths we hold to be self-evident.

It rained during Trump’s inauguration speech.

It was Friday 20th January 2017 and it rained on Washington DC.

In being sure of this one, seemingly trivial truth, we can be ready for the heavy downpour of lies that will be Trump’s reign.

Brolleys poised, people!