Happy Trump Eve!

How do you plan to spend this evening?

It will depend on whether you are an apathetic arsehole or not. Because while I’m getting drunk and praying to a fictional deity to grant us a Trump Day Impeachment Miracle, other women across the globe are busy TAKING ACTION.

Tonight they will be making signs, digging out their marching boots and practicing drawing a peace sign on their cheeks, ready for Saturday (aka Trump Boxing Day in this Christmas-themed analogy of anti-festivity) and the Women’s March on Washington.

On this day, women (and a few fellas who are totally secure in their sexuality and masculine identity) will take to the streets in cities around the world and march as part of this “day of action in solidarity.”

Solidarity against what?

The organiser’s website tells us it is: “for the protection of our fundamental rights and for the safeguarding of freedoms threatened by recent political events.”

Erm. I don’t know if I can be arsed to take to the streets on a cold January day because my rights might be taken away. My sign would have to state: Stop Maybe Attacking My Rights Or Maybe Not But Don’t Even Think About It, Ok?

They also want to “unite and stand together for the dignity and equality of all peoples, for the safety and health of our planet and for the strength of our vibrant and diverse communities.”

Eh? So now my sign should read Please Just Keep Everything Lovely For Everyone Because It Seems Like You Might Be Wanting To Mess Stuff Up A Lot And That Is Not Ok, Ok?

If there’s one thing my militant student days taught me (aside from how to be an irritating dick with a clip-board) it’s that your demonstrations and calls to action need a clear and simple purpose. Give me a vote. Give me equal pay. Give me control of my body. Stop killing people. Make a new series of ‘Friends’ immediately.

We must not peak too soon. We must not allow ourselves to be easily dismissed as a bunch of lefties with plaits shouting that everyone’s being really mean. Trump doesn’t CARE that we don’t like him and Treeza and Farage will spend all day Saturday watching the tennis and playing with their toy soldiers.

When Trump’s administration actually does try to make abortion illegal, remove the rights for equal marriage and round-up all Mexicans into a truck emblazoned with the words: ‘Nachos Out!’…THEN will be the time for protest.

And we’ll need to hit Trump where it really hurts, which in my view is quite literally, in the bollocks.

Women – we must be ready to stage a SEX STRIKE.

Aristophanes seems to be the first person to alight on the withdrawal (ahem) of sex as a form of protest. In his 5th Century BC play, Lysistrata, the women of Greece promised no sex for the fellas until they sorted out ending the Peloponnesian war.

In 2003, women in Liberia staged a sex strike, calling it a Mass Action for Peace to end the thirteen-year civil war. The fellas stopped being all fighty quick-smart and the women rewarded them by voting in their first female president.

Women have imposed sex bans not just to bring about peace, but for all kinds of reasons. In Italy in 2008, there was no ‘sesso’ until the fellas took action to make fireworks safer. In Colombia in 2011 ‘sexo’ was a no-no until the men agreed to support their campaign to have a new road built.

There are four majors flaws in this idea:

  1. If you are gay. I think you should adopt the reverse action and strive to have as much sex and in as many public places as possible. The combination of sex-starved men being forced to witness hot gay sex everywhere will be a powerful force for change, I think…
  2. What about prostitutes? During a sex strike in Kenya in 2009, the women paid prostitutes not to work. We’ll definitely need to do this especially in areas like Washington and London where politicians tend to need hookers rather more than average folk . This would also prevent a spike in new visits to hookers from the sex-starved neanderthal male
  3. Melania is unlikely to join in
  4. Gwyneth won’t notice I’m sex-striking

In pre-colonial Nigeria, women would take it further and refuse to perform any of their expected duties including all domestic, sexual and maternal services. They would leave town en masse, carrying only suckling babies and lamping any fellas who stood in their way.

So if our sex strike doesn’t work, we will move onto a general downing of tools (sorry) where ALL THE WOMEN OF THE WORLD lie down all day drinking gin and watching as everything turns to shit until the men end up promising we can have whatever we want as long as we PLEASE COME BACK TO WORK COZ WE HAVE NO BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

That’s a joke, obvs. Whoever heard of a company having an entirely female board of directors?

On Saturday I will not be marching. I will, instead, be preparing for an imminent sex strike by not shaving my nethers or legs or underarms and refusing to wear any sexual underwear.

This affirmative action may also go unnoticed by Gwyneth…

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