Dearest Friends Across The Pond,

Here we are again, at this great annual American festival where you give thanks for all our country has given you…

History tells us that this much-loved day of turkey-feasting and gratitude was brought to you by our fine nation of dirty robbing bastards who colonised your land, stole your crops and then made you all sit down with us for an awkward meal of corn and clams.

You are so welcome!

I understand that your Thanksgiving celebrations do not traditionally involve the giving of gifts, but I feel we should acknowledge the British roots of this festival by gifting you the following British items:

  1. Nigel Farage. He is the gift that keeps on giving racist bile! His involvment in the destruction of your great country made us Brits feel so much better about our own apocalyptic nightmare; we aren’t the only ones who hate minorities and women! He is desperate to have a sleepover at the White House and stroke your new leader’s hair all day. Oh do let’s make all his dreams come true this Thanksgiving…
  2. Katie Hopkins. This much-respected journalist works for one of our country’s finest racist publications. We cannot keep all her intellectual might for ourselves. Plus she promised she’d sod off and live with you if Trump got in and we all know that right-wing British journalists are among the most trusted members of our society.
  3. Piers Morgan. This is a re-gift of course because we already gave him to you once, before you realised he is actually a shit-shovelling moron. Re-gifting is all the rage in these times of austerity so please do have him back. He will fit very well behind a desk on Fox News.
  4. Boris Johnson and Michael Gove. If for no other reason than the pure joy it will bring our people to imagine them forced to sit together on a flight to New York for eight hours. Do sit them by the loos. On arrival, simply shove them in a cab to Brooklyn and chuck them out on any street that looks to be the most poor/ethnicy.
  5. Ian Duncan-Smith. Fondly known as IDS by his many loyal fans, and IBS by those who find his exceptional arseholery causes acute gut-rot and wind, this chap is in possession of a most charmly condescending tone of voice. He would simply LOVE to be a regular on your left-leaning satire show, Saturday Night Live.

We do hope you appreciate these generous offerings. Please note that as these are perishable items, they are therefore non-returnable. Ever.

By way of a festive exchange, could we please immediately have the following British items returned to us:

  1. James Corden. We need a late-night comedy chat-show. You already have loads. He is the voice of our Sainsbury’s Christmas advert this year. He belongs here.
  2. Ditto John Oliver. You need to find your own sweary political commentators.
  3. Tracy Ullman. We need her more than ever. We need her 80’s pop. We need her giggle. Give her back.

Please feel free to keep the following British items for ever, with our compliments:

  1. Zayn Malik
  2. Christian Bale
  3. Gordon Ramsay

I don’t know about you but I’m feeling so thankful right now! Time for a slice of pumpkin pie and a bottle o’ Bud…

Happy Thanksgiving Y’all!

I ❤ America