In an act of public service to you, and in keeping with my continued efforts to unjumble the jumble that is modern life, this lunchtime I watched the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement in a bid to unpick it for you.

The upshot of this experience is that I am now in possession of the following facts:

  1. Chancellor Hammond is not, it turns out, the presenter of a rebranded car show now broadcast on Amazon
  2. The Great British public are mostly buffoons

I tuned in live, via the BBC’s facebook page, hoping our fine national broadcaster would be able to interpret all the percentages and fiscal forecasts for me as they unfolded, in a way which I could consume, digest and then regurgitate for you.

Unfortunately, several thousand members of the Great British public also tuned in so as to be able to comment on the live proceedings with an awesome level of intelligence and thought:

“Torres out!” (Yes. We should def banish this inferior Spanish wine).

“make britain grate again” (We must all go back to that golden era of repeatedly making unpleasant rasping sounds/shredding food items).

“does bbc still harbour pedos?” (A crucial question during this national fiscal event)

“BLOW THEM ALL UP!” (An excellent political solution)

“BOOM!” (Lovely use of onomatopoeia)

“Legalise cannabis” (That will def solve the deficit problem)

“He is boaring” (The Chancellor is definitely not currently chasing wild boar)

“Bet Richard Hammond doesn’t use food banks” (Excellent point. Can it be true that NO highly-paid TV presenters use food banks?)

There were also a substantial number of ‘Britain First’ comments throughout, sometimes cleverly disguised in a sentence: “cut all foreign aid and spend the money on BRITAIN FIRST” which was all the more distasteful considering Jo Cox MP’s killer had been found guilty just moments before.

Several fags and yawns later, Hammond (Phil, not Rich) broke the shocking news that this would be his last Autumn Statement. The entire nation (a few thousand plebs on facebook) wondered if he was resigning right there, in front of our emoji-flooded eyes…

Instead, he declared the abolition of the Autumn Statement. There is no need for two major fiscal events each year, he informed us. From next year, the Spring Budget will take place in the Autumn and will be known as the Autumn Budget (do keep up) which will, in the Spring be followed by the…erm…Spring Statement…

The hysteria which erupted across both sides of the house to this supreme statement of arseholery reached a level that can only be compared to a pack of wild boars feasting on the carcass of a dead Chancellor.

“STOP IT!” Yelped the Speaker of the House, jumping up from his special cushion. “It’s juvenile, low grade and hugely deprecated by the public whose support we should be seeking and whom we should try to impress – not repel.”

The facebook public were very impressed with that telling off:

“I ❤ speaker man”

“Sort them out Mr. Speaker!”

“Speaker should have a nerf gun”

But remained unimpressed by our elected representatives:

“All on their bloody phones”

“Mobile phones should be banned in there”

“Staggered by the texting!”

Although one woman suggested, “they may be using the ‘notepad’ app on their phones to make notes – I find it much easier than pen and paper” which was so sweet of her to imagine that I almost sent her a friend request.

Somewhere in amongst all this nonsense, important decisions were revealed about building 40,000 affordable homes, raising the living wage by a whole 30p an hour and the tax-free personal living allowance to £11,500, extra capital funding for Grammar schools and a freeze on fuel duty.

But none of that was news to me. The real news story today is the increasing awareness that our ‘grate’ nation is largely inhabited by buffoons.

And they aren’t all ‘Torres’…

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