Shocking news just in: goop is for arseholes.
For those of you unfamiliar with goop (the non-arseholes among us) it is a lifestyle website run by that Queen of Arseholery, Gwyneth Paltrow.
This week they’re talking about face oils. One reader is in bits about how to use her face oil correctly, so she’s written in to goop‘s beauty-agony aunt, Jean, to ask for essential advice on how to be a successful arsehole.
Jean says (everything in brackets is Annagram added): My favourite use for oil is for the 4pm slump. You’re at work (full-time mothers/unemployed goons look away now, your slump is 24/7 and cannot be rectified by the application of face oil), you look as lacklustre as you feel and you’re inclined to search for candy (Jean is American. This is no reason to discount everything she says) and layer on more make-up: Stop, do neither. (Jean feels very strongly that Snickers and lippy are not the answer here). Put a few drops of face oil – I naturally have goop‘s brilliant oil at my desk; I also have it at my boyfriend’s house – (Jean has a desk and fella of her own #winningatlife) between your fingers, smoothing so the oil is spread super-thin (ah, Jean is a user of the ‘super’ prefix. If her previous 68 words haven’t made you long to drown her in face oil, this should see to it), and pat lightly onto your face. Wait 2 minutes and have a look: Your skin should be refreshed and glowy. Cold water, hot tea and crudites will have a similar re-animating effect on the rest of you. (Crudites: sliced or whole raw vegetables; that well-known pick-me-up available in all office vending machines).
You can pick up a bottom-of-the-range goop face oil for a bargainous $110. Their Autumn oil (which must never be applied Dec-Aug) is $114. And for the truly over-paid arsehole, their Luxury oil is $170.
I know what you’re thinking: Annagram, if you don’t like the goop, stop looking at the goop. But someone needs to keep their eye on all the arseholery that is taking place in this world. I refuse to censor my sources of information. Nothing shall be banned in the Annagram House! That way Fascist Trumpism lies! I mean, I’m not a goddam university!
This week, a handful of fun-loving students at City University in London passed a policy entitled: Opposing Facism [sic] and Social Divisiveness in the UK Media.
Leaving aside the ickle issue of them being unable to spell the word ‘fascism’ (they’re STUDENTS people, we can’t expect them to actually be CLEVER), their method of opposition is simply to ban the Sun, Mail and Express from campus.
These free-thinking young people who are dedicating themselves to full-time scholarly endeavour are quite rightly being all ‘I does not like you meany-moo bully newpapers so I be not wanting to ever see your nasty face in my sacred safe-space of learning.’
Of course, the commercial impact of this boycott by a handful of young student fascists will be infinitesimal in terms of lost sales. But the impact on the university itself is rather more…fascisty. City Uni is home to one of the most respected departments of journalism in the world. Many of those journalism students believe that pretending the bogey-man doesn’t exist, putting their fingers in their ears and humming while he vents his racist bile, will not make him actually go away.
They understand that the bogey-man is on your Grannie’s kitchen table, on your co-worker’s iphone, in the waiting room at your GP’s, and now, he’s in the White House. To ignore him is to remain shocked and scared and divided.
Quite simply, we must go and un-shock ourselves.
In order to fully un-shock myself that there are actual women in the world who will pay $170 for a teeny jar of oil to put on their faces, I decided to give it a try. Obviously I had no expensive tinctures to hand, so slathered my face in cooking oil.
It leaked into my eyes which made me appear less glowy and more weepy-hot-flushy-menopausy-beastly. But I can report that several minutes later, my skin feels and looks exactly like a perfectly basted chicken.
Ah, there be much to learn from the world of arseholes…