Let me take you on a riveting journey through my day today.

After yesterday’s post, I woke up with the resolve to find a new word for feminism; one which wouldn’t upset the misogynists too much and would also appear more welcoming to women who think it’s all about safe-spaces and pubes.

As I drank my first coffee, I was certain that nobody had EVER embarked on this rebranding before.

The first idea to enter my incredibly quick and original mind was ‘womanism’. This is a lovely word, very…womany…but already claimed by the black women’s movement yonks ago.

What about Girlism? Hmmm, a bit ponytail-and-knee-high-socks yakky. And quite rightly already claimed by an anti-feminist group who wanna bring back the 1950’s heel-clad wench.

I needed to think more deeply. So I got in the bath; the location of all the deepest, bestest thinking.

I wallowed and thought, strip it back Annagram. Get to the essence of the problem. What IS it that defines us as women?

  1. Our vaginas. Though actually we don’t all have one. Plus Vaginaism sounds like a movement to BAN the vagina which we should def not support
  2. Our wombs. Again millions of us don’t have one. And Wombism is, it turns out, a religion where followers worship the Guru Wombat and no I am not making that up
  3. Our boobs. There is already a church of Boobism. There is also a slightly unsettling facebook page dedicated to Breastism. What is it with all the gyne-religions? Plus, once again we don’t all have ’em
  4. Our chromosomes. Is this the only absolute defining factor? (Chromosome experts, do write in and let us know). So we are the XX chromosome while fellas are the XY. To me XX means filthy-dirty-porny stuff. Plus there is already a movement of XXism and I will never be able to say it when pissed which is normally when I’m at my most feministy

Out of the bath and drying my hair I realise there is nothing for it but to settle down with my beloved fifty year old Roget’s thesaurus and fully explore the word ‘woman’.

This is where I find the term ‘muliebrity’ meaning ‘womanly qualities’ which I initally love as it sounds a bit like celebrity and we all want to be one of those. But then the ‘mule’ aspect becomes distracting. We don’t want to be mistaken for the offspring of a donkey and a horse, typically sterile and a beast of burden. Nor would we wish to be in any way associated with an illegal drug-smuggler. And definitely not a backless shoe.

But the animal thinking is a potential avenue. Back at my desk I google the female terms for various creatures.

A female cat is a Queen which is good but already taken by the awesome Constance Hall as an identity of strong womaning. Plus it’s a bit too Royalish for me. A group of cats is known as a Clowder or a Glaring which are both excellent words but anything cat-related will fuel the cat-loving stereotypical feminist.

A female dog is, of course a Bitch. Bitchism. This feels a smidge…bitchy. Plus any comparisons between women and dogs should be avoided.

What about Pen? That’s a female Swan and they are totally fierce, right? But Penism sounds like maybe we support the policies of that moderate French politician, Le Pen.

Incidentally, did you know a male swan is called a Cob? I don’t know why that tickled me so…

No. There is nothing for us in the animal world.

A text arrives from eldest, filled with text-speak like CBA (can’t be arsed) and OMFG (Oh My Fucking God) and also WTAF (what the actual fuck). She was having a bad day…

WTAF – could that be standing for Women Totally Adoring Feminism? Oh, but that would deny the feminist fellas. We Totally Adore Feminism? Women Tired As Fuck…

CBA – Can’t Bear Arseholery. Cunts Be Aligned!

OMFG – Oh My Female Genitals!

And so I descend into a vortex of text-speak searching, certain that the way to encourage our young women into the…ahem…fold of women’s equality is to find a label that speaks to their texting generation…

P999 – means ’emergency – parents coming in to room’. Could also mean ‘Patriarchy in the room’? Ditto with PSOS – (Parents Standing Over Shoulder/ Patriarchy Standing Over Shoulder).

SLAP – (Sounds Like A Plan) Sounds Like A Patriarchy!

UFWM – (You Fucking With Me?) You Feministing With Me?

FAF – (Funny As Fuck) Feministy As Fuck!

FML – (Fuck My Life) Feministicate My Life!

And so here we are, at 5pm, coining the term ‘feministicate’…

My dear readers, I live like this so you don’t have to…