I hate to be a screaming banshee (LIE – me loves screamy bansheeism), but is M&S’s Christmas TV advert a teeny bit…(whisper it)…sexist?

There she is, Mrs Claus, looking all slim and glam, sending hard-working Mr Claus off into the night on Christmas Eve with a nice flask of tea, before delving into her secret wardrobe of work outfits and undertaking a clandestine evening of childhood-saving good deeds because NOBODY MUST EVER KNOW (especially not her husband) THAT SHE HAS A JOB and furthermore IS GOOD AT HER JOB.

Ah, once again we see that behind every great man, there is an incredibly beautiful, dutiful woman, quietly steering the Good Ship Marriage, demanding no recognition for her skills and abilities so that he can maintain his reputation and feel all brilliant and important…in an advert on British television…in 2016.

Sometimes I hate being a feminist. It can be so unfestive.

I wish I could stop it. I’d be so much happier. I know this because some very important men keep telling me how happy I would be if I could just accept that sexism doesn’t really exist. And they should know, right?!

One of these fellas is Stephen Bannon, who Trump has just appointed as his Chief Strategist. Bannon completely ADORES women. We know this because his (now ex) wife eventually dropped the charges she made against him of domestic violence and battery by just not turning up to the trial. We also know this because he loves his twin daughters so much he allegedly didn’t want them attending a high school with loads of Jews in it (denies this). But our best evidence of his female adoration is provided through his Executive Chairmanship of the website Breitbart News.

Recent Breitbart stories have included: Birth Control Makes Women Unattractive and Crazy; There’s No Hiring Bias Against Women In Tech – They Just Suck At Interviews; Would You Rather Have Feminism or Cancer?

Oh but that’s America folks! They’re crazy over there! We don’t need to pay attention to what they say…

Except Breitbart have a London arm and one of their senior editors is a fella called Milo Yiannopoulos and he’s becoming kind of a big deal.

Milo is beautiful, articulate, young and gay and he’s making waves in University campuses across the UK and America with his ‘Alt-Right’ stance on immigration, free speech and political correctness.

He rocks up at each campus to tell everyone essential facts about how Muslims will bring their ‘signature delicacies’ to our countries which include ‘lamb chops, yoghurt and gang-rape’. Oh, lighten up everyone, can’t you tell when an Alt-Right commentator is making a harmless racist joke?!

He says ‘feminism is a cancer’ (a bowel cancer specifically) and wonders if chemotherapy should be made compulsory for all third-wave feminists (coz we’re all too fat and chemo makes you skinny). OMIGOD! This guy is HILARIOUS!

He goes on:

Rape culture has been made up by ‘nutty feminists’ HAHAHAAA!

‘Patriarchy is a conspiracy theory’ SQUEEEEE!

Male feminists are ‘pathetic virgins and perverts’ OH STOP IT MILO, YOU’RE KILLING ME!

All feminists are ‘unloveable, cat-collecting, rape-hoaxing and fat’ HE’S THE NEW BERNARD MANNING! BUT NOT AS FUNNY!

Except, oh. Turns out he really means most of this. Damnit, it’s so hard to be sure if people are deliberately or accidentally making rape jokes!

Milo’s big thing is freedom of speech (unless you’re a feminist obvs). He just can’t bear the thought of not being allowed to make rape jokes. He feels the range of acceptable thoughts and opinions is becoming narrower and that we must defend our right to liberty of speech.

Liberty. That good ol’ American concept.

Defined in the Oxford Dictionary as ‘the state being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one’s behaviour or political views’.

Like say, freedom to control your reproduction, freedom to not be abused in your marriage, freedom to practice your religion, freedom to be *gasp* feminist.

But fear not, dear readers. We can be absolutely certain these precious liberties will be upheld now that Breitbart’s lovely Executive Chairman, Stephen Bannon, is Chief Strategist at The White House. 

Of course, if it does all go fat-feminist-tits-up, the women of American have a legal line of defence right at their fingertips.

Breitbart today feature their list of ‘Six Great Concealed Carry Pistols For Your Christmas List’. The Sig Saver P238 is ‘great for women who want to carry it in their purse’ as is the Glock 42 which has a ‘lighter recoil’ than other concealed carry pistols.

Their advice is ‘to carry your gun everyday and everywhere you can’ so that you can use it ‘in defence of your life and liberty‘.

Time to tool-up, American Women!

NB: please use your Christmas Weaponry responsibly…