How much sleep did you get last night?

After binge-watching The West Wing (yes, I know I’m coming at this genius seventeen years late) I got the recommended eight hours, minus a brief twenty minute anxiety episode at 4am.

This was precipitated by a dream where youngest slipped on some rocks at the top of a cliff and fell out of my grasp.

This dream may have been precipitated by the fact that youngest was still awake and reading his fifth book of the evening when I came to bed at 11pm, which means he was up too late again which means he must be always too tired which means he’s absolutely certainly likely to do things like slip on rocks at the top of cliffs and also means his brain won’t grow properly which means he will absolutely certainly become a paranoid psychopath by the time he’s sixteen and this paranoid psychopathy will absolutely certainly be MY FAULT.

The NHS recommends at least nine, but ideally ten hours and forty-five minutes of continuous sleep for a six year old child. Us adults need six to nine hours to be at our best.

Unless you’re a bit of a fascist…

Hitler liked to dick about until 4am, giving himself enemas and inspecting his poo in an effort to cure his agonising flatulence.

Stalin liked to dick about in his garden at night, doing a spot of moonlit weeding before crashing out on the sofa for a couple of hours before dawn.

Nigel Farage likes to dick about on riverbanks in the pitch-dark, catching fish until sunrise.

And then there’s Nige’s biggest fan, Trump, who like Thatcher and Putin, boasts about getting by on just four hours a night.

It seems you just can’t get any decent fascism done if you sleep too much.

When he’s not sleeping, Trump is displaying all the signs of a fella who could use a nap: bad decision-making, anger, stress, trouble retaining facts, poor memory and immoral thinking.

Just like a cranky six year old.

Dear God, is my boy destined for fascism?

Tonight that child will be in bed by 7pm. I will remove ALL books and paper and pens. I will sit on his bed and sing that little would-be Hitler to sleep with the lullaby: “Twinkle, twinkle Donald Trump, you are the most gigantic chump, up above the world so high, like a big fat orange in the sky, twinkle, twinkle Donald Trump, please go to sleep and don’t wake up”.

Then I shall stay awake until at least 3am watching the election. This will allow me to ascertain whether a middle-aged, highly-anxious, mother-of-a-fascist can get by on four hours sleep.

Of course, the degree to which I greet the morning with anger, stress and immoral thinking will have nothing to do with sleep-deprivation and everything to do with whether I wake up to an era of Trumpism.

But my boy? My boy will be waking up an angel…

Sweet dreams guys!

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