Last night I had a terrifying dream that my Le Creuset cast iron casserole dish fell apart.

I KNOW.

#middleclassnightmares

I say ‘my’ casserole dish, but of course it belongs to Gwyneth. I have never knowingly made a casserole.

My step-mum bought it for him fourteen years ago this Christmas. I know exactly because we went shopping for it together and she was very poorly. It was her last Christmas with us. She and Gwyneth shared a love of cooking and she assured me that this extremely heavy, extremely expensive cooking pot would become his most used kitchen item, and so it has proved to be.

So heavy is this dish, that I had to carry it to the til for her that day, as she muttered darkly about these things being so indestructible, they would outlive us all. That’s why dreaming of it falling apart is such a nightmare. If it collapses, the entire human race is surely not far behind.

The Le Creuset cast iron casserole dish has featured in a list of items which, if you own them, are deemed to be clear pointers to your middle-class/John Lewis-loving credentials. This list was published in yesterday’s Sunday Times.

I could go in to why a fully paid-up member of The Guardian such as I am, would buy this Murdoch-owned, right-leaning, poshy paper, but that would lead to me admitting that I am in love with AA Gill and also that I am obsessed with gawping at sprawling mansions I will never own in their poperty section. I fear that both of these admissions would lead you to assume that I am too middle-class for your reading tastes.

But you would be WRONG, people. It turns out I am VERY BAD at being middle-class.

The list included a Nutribullet, a Roberts DAB digital radio, a British goose down duvet, a Miele C2 vacuum cleaner, Liz Earle’s Cleanse & Polish facial system, and a vegetable spiralizer.

My radio, duvet, vacuum cleaner and facial cleansing system all come from Tesco. The only two items we own on that list are a juicer and the beloved casserole dish and they both belong to Gwyneth. I can assure you that a vegetable spiralizer will never darken my kitchen cabinet…

Oh how I wish I could more explicitly reveal my class through my ownership of certain household items!

Instead, I am left with far poorer evidence of my social status and education; like being overly involved in the school PTA, reading Booker-winning novels and eating organic whole oats – three things which working class people NEVER do. (If you are a working class person who does any of these things, do write in and let us know).

Of course, all eyes are now on the middle-class, educated people of America. Especially the Republican women. The future of the world is in their beautifully manicured hands as they decide whether to renew their long-held Republican vows by saying ‘I do’ to a rapey Orangutan, or jilt him at the ballot-box-alter and run away with a maybe/probably not/does it matter/ lesbian criminal Democrat.

May the casserole pots of the Republican women of America be empty and cold tomorrow. Republican women, get out of the kitchen! Put down that Miele C2 vacuum cleaner! PLEASE go out and cast your vote for the Democrat who maybe/probably not/does it matter once sent some dodgy emails!

That rapey Orangutan thinks you’re fat! He wants to grope your daughter! The safety of an entire generation of vaginas depends on you!

Gawd, I do hope my Le Creuset nightmare wasn’t a premonition…

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