Hang about! There’s only another celebrity lifestyle book on the market!

‘Lessons I’ve Learned From Being An Overpaid Celebrity Arsehole’ (I embellish a bit) is by famous-for-being-extremely-toned TV presenter, Davina McCall.

She has NOT written this book because she wants to make a limo-load of cash off the back of being an overpaid celebrity arsehole. She’s written it because she desperately wants to show us poor plebs how to live our lives like her, which includes doing perfectly normal things like posting pics of herself on twitter cooking on her Aga, in her underwear, abs glistening from the heat of the stove.

I don’t know about you, but that is something I simply LONG to do.

In this book, Davina delivers a list of astoundingly original instructions for life. She tells us to ‘look after the people you love and keep them close’ which I’m so glad she said coz I absolutely never look after the people I love and always make sure to stay as far away from them as possible.

Another ground-breaking life lesson is that ‘silliness is good for the soul’. This silliness can easily be achieved by simply stripping naked in the grounds of your private estate and dive-bombing into your private pool. According to Davina, this ‘feels naughty’ which it definitely will if you try it at your local leisure centre.

All this banal how-to nonsense is a shame, because Davina’s life story is actually rather interesting. Her Mum was an alcoholic narcissist who abandoned her as a child and went on to treat her appallingly all her life. She’s also faced heroin addiction and the death of her sister from cancer.

She writes these bits quite movingly and I wish she’d had the guts to just publish a straight-talking autobiography, without all the patronising self-help shizzle.

Turns out Davina and I have much in common, mum-and-death-wise. 

Because I’m not an overpaid celebrity arsehole (yet), nobody wants to read a book of my life lessons. But that’s ok coz I have you lot to spout bollocks at!

So, here are the top five lessons I’ve learned based on years of being an underpaid, unknown arsehole:

  1. Try to have only one vice. This will simplify life considerably. I have several including fags, wine, chips, custard creams and iced latte. All but one must go, but which should be saved? Choosing your favourite addiction is like choosing your favourite child; you know you can do it if you have to, but it won’t make you feel very nice
  2. Try to have at least one one-night stand every week when you’re young and single. This will be one less thing to regret not doing when you’re over forty, married and nearly dead, sexually speaking
  3. Try not to sleep with any of your parent’s friends
  4. Ditto your grandparent’s
  5. Try to get some therapy before you have kids. This will prevent your kids turning into unpleasant dysfunctional twats because they’re being raised by an unpleasant dysfunctional twat. Unless you’re sure that you are NOT an unpleasant dysfunctional twat, in which case I can assure you that you are, in fact, the absolutely biggest, most unpleasantest, highly dysfunctionalist twat in all of twatland

You’re welcome guys!