What did you have for breakfast?

I had a bowl of Tesco’s Finest Granola with a dollop of full-fat Greek yoghurt and a couple of cups of black coffee…

Is that ok?

I ask because the last thing I would ever want to do is upset The Honourable Kirstie Mary Allsopp, to give her her full title coz her Dad’s a Baron an’ that…

Poor The Honourable Kirstie Mary Allsopp is very concerned about your breakfast. There she was the other day, sitting in a cafe, contentedly stitching a darling patchwork duvet for her daughter’s dolls house for #handmadechristmas, when her crafty eyes were drawn to a fella eating his breakfast.

She watched with growing disgust, her chubby pink cheeks turning to scarlet, as he consumed a cappuccino and a croissant followed by a coke and a cheese and ham sarnie. I KNOW!

This was so terribly upsetting to The Honourable Kirstie Mary Allsopp, so gut-wrenchingly appalling that she immediately put down the teeny-tiny duvet, whipped out her home-made papier mache phone case created using old copies of Good Housekeeping, and tweeted his breakfast choices to the world, adding the hashtags #ourNHSistoast (cleverly alluding to what the breakfasting fella should have ordered) and #worldgonemad (which it most definitely is when rich celebrities are spying on our breakfast).

Let us assume, although she didn’t explicitly say so, that our breakfasting fella was a smidge podgy. If he were slim, I reckon The Honourable Kirstie Mary Allsopp would likely not have noticed him scoffing such criminal fayre and she would have been spared this distressing experience.

So the issue is not the food itself, but the foodie (foodee?). It remains unclear at what stage of plumpness The Honourable Kirstie Mary Allsopp would like us to stop consuming such inappropriate breakfast items. She herself is not a person one would describe as ‘slim’, but that’s different because she’s home-made-black-cod-with-parmesean-risotto curvey, not coke-swilling-mindless-processed-food-bingeing obese.

There’s a difference darling because one leads to a drain on #ournhs and the other leads to a bit of private liposuction and a personal trainer.

Oh it’s so confusing when fat people don’t clearly display their class or intelligence! If they did and we could be sure our breakfasting fella was poor and stupid, we would get right behind The Honourable Kirstie Mary Allsopp in her disgust of stupid fat plebs who don’t know what an acceptable breakfast is.

Maybe the breakfasting fella was a consultant surgeon for #ournhs who’d just finished a long nightshift saving lives and was kinda knackered and hungry. But are there any fat consultant surgeons? (If you are a fat consultant surgeon, do let us know).

Maybe the breakfasting fella had just buried his wife the day before after a lengthy battle with a cancer that wasn’t caused by her poor lifestyle choices, during which he put on weight through comfort eating and knows he needs to sort it out and will just as soon as he can get through a day without crying every ten minutes.

Or maybe he was fresh outta the benefits office (do people on benefits eat croissants and drink cappuccinos? Do they? Can people on benefits please let us know?) and this was the first in a long line of poor lifestyle choices he would make that day because he is not only ignorant, but SELFISH in his deliberate hoovering up of The Honourable Kirstie Mary Allsopp’s beloved NHS services.

Or perhaps he was feeding a hangover after being forced by his wife (alive in this example) to spend the evening watching an entire series of ‘Kirstie’s Handmade Christmas’… #mychristmasistoast #worldgonemad.

If you go out to a cafe for breakfast tomorrow, you’d better go in disguise as a slim person…because that could be the day The Honourable Kirstie Mary Allsopp will tweet your breakfast…