That was my lunch today. A plain, soggy cheese sandwich. Wholemeal bread though – a teeny nod to my unhealthy heart…

Bread is wrong though, isn’t it? Nobody should eat bread for lunch, especially middle-aged women like me whose naked bodies are looking more and more like a gigantic pile of dough. 

But what do you have for lunch if you’re not eating bread?

This:

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That was Gwyneth’s lunch today. Organic rocket leaves. Cherry tomatoes. A whole avocado which he will chop and add later so it doesn’t go all brown and icky. In the pot is some of his home-made pesto for drizzling.

Not pictured is the tub of home-made granola which he will munch on all day and which he swears gives him ‘energy’ and not heartburn, like it does me.

These lunchtime choices are why I look like a barrel of ale and he looks like a bottle of slimline tonic…

I keep waiting for my midlife crisis to turn into a health-kick like it did for Gwyneth ten years ago. (Yes, he is ten years older than me coz I is all about supporting the elderly).

I know if I asked him to make me a salad he would be thrilled to, and would even add some home-made croutons by way of gradually weaning me off the bread. But while he sees that salad as a nutritious and delicious lunch which may help him in his bid to not die really soon, all I see is an insufficient snack.

Things are about to get even worse…

I have just received news that my little suburb is to be awarded a branch of M&S Simply Food. I say awarded coz they don’t put these extremely expensive shops just ANYWHERE. I think you have to have at least three organic delis, four organic juice bars and one organic baby-clothes shop before M&S will even put you on the waiting list.

We knew things were on the up when Costa arrived. Huge protests broke out among the middle-classes who feared their local independent cafes would be under threat. It’s all worked out fine though coz it turns out Costa don’t sell organic spinach and kale wraps or courgette cake and their interior does not feature second-hand sofas caked in organic baby yoghurt or tables so sticky, you wouldn’t dare put your iphone 7 down on them.

The planned arrival of M&S is no doubt already causing many families to make plaquards and paint their kid’s faces with peace signs, so they can fervently protect the future of our independent organic supermarket which sells absolutely no items that are animal derivatives (not even honey) or indeed anything that is recognisable as actual food. This is not a place to browse and wait to be inspired/tempted, unless a 5kg bag of organic quinoa is your idea of a rewarding treat.

It’s ok guys, I want to say, they’re not coming here for YOU. They’re coming here for ME, to bring ME enormous layered salads smothered in ten thousand calories of mayo and cheese so that you are blissfully unaware of the consumption of salad items. 

They’re coming to bring ME lovely little tubs of cruchy bacon bites to drizzle on top. And those delicious salt and vinegar chipstick crisps.

Oooh and lovely pastries.

And wine…so much unorganic wine…

The reality is, we can’t afford to shop in M&S OR the organic supermarket, but it’s jolly nice, when scrumming around Asda and Quality Save, to know that alternative shopping experiences are available.

You gotta have something to aim for, right?