It’s Friday! Time to binge drink and spend time with the family! (The former being essential to the smooth enjoyment of the latter).

Actually, this evening I’m out to watch some edgy theatre because I’m cultured and love nothing more than to be intellectualy challenged by live art on a Friday night. In no way do I now wish I could instead start drinking at 5pm, eat at least three meals by 9pm and fall asleep whilst putting youngest to bed at 9.05pm, like a normal Friday.

Why bother with theatre when real life is throwing up such complex, well-drawn characters?

Let’s have a round-up of this week’s main protagonists:

  • Nick Clegg. He’s like the boyfriend you dumped because he was a bit flaky and crap, but since then you’ve gone out with several magnificent arseholes and now view him as actually kinda decent and ‘the one that got away’. Cleggmania has returned to this house…
  • Rocco Ritchie. I don’t know about you but I’ve been losing my mind not knowing which parent’s multi-million pound estate Rocco would be allowed to live in, poor wee chap…
  • Taylor Swift/Tom Hiddleston (TayTom). Heartbreaking to see the relationship between two global superstars buckle under the pressure of playing out their relationship under the glare of the paparazzi, like two global superstars…
  • The cast of Cold Feet. None of them looked a day over their last botox treatment…
  • Katie Hopkins. She bravely went to the Calais Jungle (without a gun) and her reports from there have been exactly the kind of thorough, objective journalism you would expect from the Daily Mail’s most qualified reporter…
  • Keith Vaz. Single-handedly put poppers at the centre of all conversations in Britain for the first time in history…
  • Matthew Tate. The Head at the centre of uniform-gate who this weekend will surely be getting more messily, filthy drunk than he’s been probably since his 21st birthday…

Of course the main protagonists in my life are my children. They are the centre of my universe, whenever I think of them. Not when I’m actually with them, obvs…

See you Monday!