Happy Literacy Day folks!

To celebrate this global event, dedicated to raising literacy skills from Kent to Kenya, I have spent all day being totally literacyish.

This has involved:

  1. Patiently stopping at EVERY parked car on the way to school so youngest could read the make and model because I am always happy to facilitate my child’s learning even at 8.58am, during a thunderstorm, whilst wearing flip-flops, as he attempts to sound out V-A-U-X-H-A-L-L seventeen times while I breathe deeply and remind myself that he is surely heading for one of the impressive new grammar schools our Prime Minister wants to provide because she is astute enough to understand that middle-class parents are NOT obsessed with the superior academic abilities of our offspring, but simply share a profound fear of the poor.
  2. Removing the errant apostrophe in yesterday’s post, which loads of you flagged up for me with varying emotion ranging from kind helpfulness to spitting fury, and then spending several hours looking for that teeny black imposter in all my other posts. NB I did not attend a grammar school.
  3. Making up words like literacyish.

Being literate isn’t just about reading and writing though. If our children are to thrive in this modern global economy (not Europe though, obvs) we must also ensure their literacy in the following areas:

  • Computer literacy. They must be given appropriate time on at least one Apple a day. If you don’t own any Apple products you will be arrested for child neglect.
  • Financial literacy. This can easily be achieved simply by giving your child 20p to throw at a homeless man so that you can deliver a pop-up lecture about the importance of passing the 11+ exam so as to ensure they never become poor and destitute.
  • Nutritional literacy. Essential if they are to remain slim and attractive rather than obese and stupid/poor-looking. Simply tut loudly whenever passing a McDonald’s and remark on the evidently low literacy levels of the people who eat there, without mentioning the times you drive-through in sunglasses to self-medicate your groaning New Zealand Sauvingon Blanc-induced hangover.
  • Social literacy. Encourage friendships only with other ‘alpha’ (aka middle-class) children to ensure your darling learns crucial skills such as being dominant and managing a team.
  • Emotional literacy. You don’t need to worry about this. Emotions are for plebs.

To get back to wordy literacyishness (yep – I’m happy with that word and once again may I remind you I didn’t get in to a grammar school), may all of us end this day with our noses in a book, or a pen in our hands.

My mum always said she didn’t care what we read as kids, as long as we were reading something, which is how I ended up reading some gloriously filthy Jackie Collins at 12yrs old and expanding my sexual vocabulary in a way that was thrilling to my mates, if not to my English teacher after handing in a creative writing piece entitled ‘The Final Climax’… 

Tonight I will delve into my favourite book of all time. It’s called ‘The Pocket Guide To Wine’ by Nikki Welch and it changed my life. 

My youngest will be reading War and Peace and following it by writing a short essay. At six years old I’ve only got five years to get him eleven-plus-ready. He can get back to reading stuff he actually enjoys once he’s graduated in Classics from Cambridge, had a break-down, become addicted to ketamine and attempted suicide a few times. He may not be emotionally literate (or happy) but at least he won’t be POOR!

Happy reading guys…