Absolutely SHOCKING news in today: a senior male politician has allegedly been caught paying rentboys for sex! I KNOW.

Not only that, he’s allegedly MARRIED to a WOMAN and she didn’t know he allegedly likes a bit of Eastern European boy-time! The world has surely stopped turning at the discovery of a politician who is prone to a little extra-marital fluffing.

Not only that, he’s allegedly a bit iffy about using condoms! Oh the disgrace of a public figure spearheading a high-profile safe-sex awareness campain whilst allegedly secretly going bare-nobbed with prostitutes. 

Not only that, he allegedly likes a side-order of poppers with his sexual deviance! I may have to lie down at the knowledge that MP’s allegedly take drugs. 

Not only that, he’s allegedly the CHAIRMAN of the Home Affairs Select Committee which monitors crime, immigration and drugs policy! Oh…not allegedly…that bit’s a fact. Well it’s the final straw I tell you, that a person in charge of telling me what I’m not allowed to do is allegedly secretly doing all the forbidden shizzle.

But while Keith Vaz may seem all corrupt and murky and self-serving, I would argue that at least he’s allegedly got some experience in his field. We’re always complaining that politicians don’t know what they’re on about; that we need teachers advising on education policy and doctors advising on health.

Here we have a veritable EXPERT in the area of allegedly wanting to sexually exploit young Eastern Europeans whilst taking drugs and not wearing a condom who is IN CHARGE of monitoring policy in the area of people wanting to sexually exploit young Eastern Europeans whilst taking drugs and not wearing a condom.

I mean, Keith may be a politician who actually KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK HE’S TALKING ABOUT. And all this time he’s been gently supporting policies which would allow us all the same access to prostitutes and sex-enhancing drugs. 

This summer he declared that ‘the criminalisation of sex-workers should end’. Before that he said he was ‘not convinced’ that men who pay for sex should be prosecuted. In a recent debate on the Psychoactive Substances Bill, he argued against a ban on poppers and it was subsequently removed from the bill. 

The man is a goddam freedom-fighter! And now it’s all allegedly out in the open at last, he can crack on in his job with the gift of transparency.

Let’s see Keith leading a crucial debate in the commons about how even though condoms stop people getting pregnant or infected or even dying, they’re a total passion-killer when you’re in the moment with a prostitute, right? 

Let’s not have Keith keep stating the bleedin’ obvious that cocaine is ‘dangerous’; let’s have him lead a campaign to legalise it because sometimes, when your young Romanian sex-worker isn’t really feeling it, buying him a bit of coke can totally get him ‘in the mood’.  

Honestly, we must stop holding our elected representatives to such high standards. If we carry on allegedly exposing them for what should be seen as perfectly normal behaviour, nobody will ever choose to go into politics. We all have skeletons in our closets.

I for one am CONSTANTLY taking drugs and having unprotected sex with prostitutes in a £400,000 cash-bought sex-flat round the corner from my family home…

Finally, a politician putting the needs of everyday hard-working people like me at the centre of public policy.

If these allegations turn out to be true, it’s Keith Vaz for PM, I say!