It’s self-promotion Sunday!

I’ve had a right spit and polish this weekend. Shaved my armpits. Got my eyebrows on point. I just timed myself getting ready and reckon I can go from hoggish to hookerish in 17 minutes (is that impressively quick or vainly slow?) Didn’t get round to having my roots done, but the ‘Everyday’ filter on the Samsung photo editor makes it look all bright and white and my, don’t it make my blue eyes BLUE? We all need an ‘Everyday’ filter in our lives…

All this is in preparation for going back to work tomorrow, after putting in an appearance at school on time, sober and tooth-brushed, like the terrific Mummy I am determined to be from now on.

The school are implementing a new morning routine. No longer are we allowed to carry our offspring into their classrooms, spitting and screaming, depositing them directly onto the teacher’s knee whilst delivering a breathless, tearful monologue about how they didn’t sleep great again and didn’t eat breakfast again and have a stress-rash again and really what am I doing wrong and can I just sit down on your lap for a mo too because I really, really don’t think I can take much more of this morning mumming…

From tomorrow there will be no face-time/weeping-time with the teacher. Instead, the screaming must be done in the playground in full view of the entire school, until the whistle is blown. This will be when the wrestling starts, attempting to extricate my lovely clean work clothes from the child’s snot-sodden grasp, and force him into a line, waving tearfully as he crocodiles weakly into this institute of learning/torture.

My virtual self has also undergone a night-before-school re-vamp. If you visit my actual WordPress page at thedailyannagram.wordpress.com you will find an emporium of shizzle to ensure the wasting of a few minutes while at work/wiping bums/smoking fags.

If you can’t be arsed to google it and follow the blog on facebook, scroll down past the comments section and you will see some exciting new options there like special categories so that if you desperately want to read my stuff about death, for example (and why wouldn’t you?) it can be found easily. Also, the most popular posts are listed. Also my blog stats (number of reads) which makes me do a small squeeeeeeee every time I see it.

I’ll be back to daily posting from tomorrow (cannot WAIT) and will offer each person who likes or comments on the WordPress site itself, or shares the post on facebook, £17,000 and a brand new car. And that’s a promise, folks.

Here endeth the gratuitous self-promotion. I must now approach youngest’s wardrobe and hope last term’s uniform still fits, as I have failed to purchase anything new. I will no doubt be in Tesco at 4.55pm, frantically buying girls shirts coz that’s all they’ll have left and hoping he won’t notice.

Until tomorrow…