I am ON MY OWN IN THE HOUSE.

Eldest is in the park with her friends, hopefully not smoking spliffs and fuckin-helling in front of small children whose parents I might know.

Gwyneth has taken youngest out for the day on a steam train. This is in part so he can atone for nearly killing the child last night with his nuts.

He made a new version of his seedy/nutty/no-sugary/no-tasty granola and shovelled a huge handful into his healthy-eating gob just before gleefully tickling the life out of the naked child. Ten minutes later the child is covered in welts and I’m on the phone to NHS direct (an entirely pointless service as they always just say go to your nearest A&E department. The 111 service ought be renamed ‘The Tell You To Go Immediately To Hopsital You Massive Turd Helpline’). So I poured another glass of wine, overdosed the child with Piriton and ten minutes later we both went happily sedated to bed…

The bad news is youngest clearly has a nut allergy. The good news is Gwyneth must now bin the gruesome granola forever. Hooray!

So here I am, alone for the whole day so that I can write. I bathed for an hour. I made coffee. I dicked about on facebook while the sounds of bank-holidaying families drifted in through my sun-drenched window. I played with the mentally-ill cat and fed the ninja hamster. I went to the loo ON MY OWN. I read a bit. I smoked ALOT…INSIDE…because I am ON MY OWN. Then I dicked about on WordPress for yonks trying to work out how to upload videos for your entertainment.

Do let me know if this teeny snippet works, my friends. Much fun can be had with a little animated annagramming from time to time.

In the last hour, I’ve finally got down to it, editing the opening of the book wot I is writing. I may share it here tomorrow if I’m feeling brave…

Happy Monday friends. May you also have spent this day in the pursuit of mostly meaningless, but gloriously self-indulgent activity…ON YOUR OWN…