OMIGOD am missing you all SO MUCH.

This full-time parenting has turned me all introspective. Am permanently in a state of inward reflection and turmoil. Is most unpleasant and also fattening.

What hidden despair lurks behind the bleached, lipsticked surface of theannagram, I (don’t) hear you ask…?

That I need more money. Also a wife. Also for someone to create an insanely pleasurable exact replica of a cigarette without the death sentence. Also for someone to create an insanely pleasurable exact replica of my favourite Rioja which gets me pissed but leaves no hangover and costs under a fiver. Also for someone to create insanely pleasurable exact replica chip-shop chips which are perfectly unfattening. Also for someone to create an exact replica of me, one who didn’t leave work in 1998 due to being mental and mothering at the same time, but has instead enjoyed an insanely pleasurable career featuring excellent clothes, excellent pay and an excellent pension.

I am dealing with all this deep angst brilliantly by doing very mature things like getting my nose pierced and planning my next tattoo. As my old mate Sasha remarked: the midlife crisis is coming along nicely…

Sasha likes a piercing and a tat too (see what I did there?) My sister is the same. So I am not alone in my post-forty desire to celebrate my miraculous still-aliveness by decorating my body with ink and jewels.

Imagine my delight on discovering that the ‘talk-topic’ on Friday’s Loose Women was The Midlife Crisis! I am SO zeitgeisty!

Normally I never watch LW because it makes my ovaries weep in feminist despair, but it’s nearing the end of the school holidays and my feminism is lying in a crumpled heap on the floor of my study along with all my unfinished writing projects, unread books and on-hold dreams…

So, after entering the studio doing simply HILARIOUS dance moves in order to show us how HILARIOUS they all are, the LW got stuck straight in to a deeply profound four minute debate about whether women experience the midlife crisis.

Kaye Adams (who used to be clever when she was the anchor back in 1999) said no, midlife angst is only for whiney men. Nadia Sawalha said no, although she harbours a dream to leave her lucrative TV career to run a cheese toastie shop on the south coast. The new anchor (whose name I can’t remember but her face doesn’t move much and she thinks everything she says is HILARIOUS) said no, although she harbours a dream of living by the sea. Only Linda Robson confessed to a proper unfulfilled career ambition: to be given a serious acting role, which I would want to watch about as much as I want to watch an entire episode of Loose Women (though I would advise her that the first step towards that goal might be to stop doing HILARIOUS dancing on live telly).

Am I actually giving you a review of Friday’s episode of LW? Forgive me. I am in crisis.

It’s not at all ridiculous to ask highly-paid TV personalities if they have unfulfilled dreams or long for an affair or to drive themselves off a cliff because they are, in fact, ‘ordinary women’ just like us. We know this because they are being paid a fortune to pretend to be ‘ordinary women’ on our tellies everyday.

But I know many women my age who feel they’ve spent too much of their lives doing things they didn’t mean to, and are running out of time to do the stuff they’ve always dreamed of.

I won’t have an affair because I haven’t got time and also because my naked body looks like the face of a rough-sleeping, crack-addicted old man. And I don’t want to drive myself off a cliff just yet. Towards a cliff, yes…on my own, for a lovely long think and a gawp at the view.

But it is time to crack on with fulfilling some dreams. By the time I achieve them, I will be living in assisted accommodation by the sea with Sasha, both of us tattooed right up to our wrinkly eyes, our saggy labias heavily pierced, watching re-runs of Linda Robson’s curiously pleasurable Nordic-style crime drama and writing vile reviews of Nadia Sawalha’s toastie shop down the road on tripadvisor…

The future’s bright people!