Am alive. Rattling and gurning in a toxic haze, but alive…

Have just had a revelation of Tesco-Extra proportions. Those of you who routinely think up sparkling ways to entertain sprogs in the supermarket will have been doing this for yonks; for moi this discovery is nothing short of life-changing:

Today I discovered the SELF-SCANNER.

This is a device which allows you to scan items as you shop; a device which can be held in small hands and pointed at things, EXACTLY like a gun, a gun with a cool infared beam that beeps when it shoots.

Never have we had so much fun in a supermarket. Occasionally I attempted to engage youngest in the business of shopping and budgeting, reading and adding-up, but he was far too busy laying waste to apples and pasta and cheese and old people.

Happy murderous child = happy less-murderous-than-usual mother.

I just LOVED how I could accidently-on-purpose forget to scan so many items. The ease of shoplifting with this device is incredibly user-friendly. Until you go to the checkout and a fella approaches saying he needs to scan ten random items from your trolley, just as a security check.

The following two minutes allowed me to fully understand the meaning of my current modus operandi which is to ‘do something every day that scares you’ which is the reason I was experimenting with stealing in the first place. I had to eat twelve stolen donuts to recover my calm, (mini ones, I’m not a goddam swine).

Tomorrow’s challenge for doing a thing that scares me will be to take the kids to Blackpool beach for the day with a picnic…

We MUST face these fears people! We must not listen to our inner-realist who tells us that days out on an English beach with children are just a marathon of cut feet on stones and sewage-filled sea and huddling under brolleys and THE WIND MAKES ME NOT BREATHE MUMMY – MAKE IT STOP! and LOOK AT THIS NEEDLE I FOUND MUMMY – I’M PLAYING DOCTORS! and THERE’S SAND IN MY BUMHOLE MUMMY GET IT OUT GET IT OUT RIGHT NOW…

To re-cap on the momentous events of today:

  1. Self-scanning is GOOD.
  2. Shop-lifting is BAD.
  3. Days out at the beach…TBC.