I am ill AGAIN.

Yesterday I cried at the GP. He was being all young and not ill. He was telling me I could not have any lovely antibiotics. He also denied my request for opiates. It went like this:

Me: But I cannot swallow anything. Not even wine. And it’s the school holidays.

Him: I have seen you swallow while you’ve been sitting there. You can actually swallow.

Me: Alright Miss Marple, TECHNICALLY I can swallow, but whenever I do it burns my eyes and my slices into my brain so that I can’t sleep or eat or drink wine and IT’S THE SCHOOL HOLIDAYS.

Him: Burns and slices? Goodness.

Me: Yes, I am a writer. And that’s another thing I can’t do due to agony.

Him: Right. Have you tried Strepsils?

Me: Strepsils? Oh ha ha ha haaaaa. Strepsils did you say? Oh that is just…you do know that I’m forty-two years old and have given birth twice and also had five years of bowel surgery and my appendix out and my tonsils and had root canal treatment and so I am not here as some young fella like you might be, all shocked and desperate to be in a moderate amount of pain, but am sitting here before you, without ANY make-up on, as a fully-grown woman who knows what agony is and is at this moment in a fuckarama of AGONY. On top of which, did I mention that it is, right now, *whispers loudly*… THE SCHOOL HOLIDAYS?

I embellish a bit.

So I went home drug-less and immediately raided Gwyneth’s supply of codeine left over from when he broke his leg. Codeine is LOVELY, I can confirm. It turns to morphine in your body. Dead clever, that. It makes you float and grin and allow youngest be on the ipad for thirteen hours straight. It enables you to eat and sleep, but not wash-up or cook. Marvellous miracles they are, these teeny white beads of opium. These are the kind of prescription painkillers celebs get hooked on. I am so LiLo.

The worst thing about having this agonising ailment (so spectacularly mislabeled and underplayed by the GP as a mere ‘virus’) is that I can’t smother youngest in kisses all day which is what the school hols are all about.

The best thing has been discovering that eldest is the most ginormously wonderful being. She cooks and she cleans and she shops and she looks after her brother and she doesn’t take advantage of her mother’s codeine-induced delirium by agreeing to take all the money and booze I keep offering her by way of payment. Who raised this saintly being? Not me. Maybe Gwyneth has been secretly parenting her behind my back all these years…

My Dad’s completely brilliant response is to send emergency antibiotics by courier. He had some left over from something he had back in 2005. I can’t believe I was ever so prissy about use-by dates, so wasteful!

So the plan for tonight is to find out what happens when you mix codeine, nurofen cold&flu and 11yr old antibiotics with Rioja…

I hope to bring you up-to-the-minute news on this fascinating experiment tomorrow…and not from a hospital bed…although that would be a lovely enforced lie-down…