By the time I pass out in bed tonight, two earth-shattering events will have taken place in my life.

First, I will have stood on a stage in front of live humans and tried to make ’em laugh. And you are all in it. All your fears of honey and ugly fish and men with long fingernails…

Second, youngest will have broken up for the holidays…

Both are making me feel equally YAK and SQUEEEEEEEE…

So the plan for today is as follows:

  1. Get up and try not to throw up
  2. Have a fag
  3. Get youngest to school, remembering gifts for his teacher and also the toy he is allowed to bring to play with but which must NOT BE TOUCHED BY OTHER CHILDREN, OK?
  4. Have a fag
  5. Go to work and try not to throw up on the children
  6. Come home from work and bathe and paint nails and try not to pour a glass of wine
  7. Have a fag
  8. Rehearse AGAIN
  9. Try not to throw up
  10. Have a fag
  11. Pick up youngest from after-school club
  12. Squeeeeeeeeee with him about the holidays
  13. After the seventeenth demand for the paddling pool, realise the holidays will be in fact, appalling
  14. Appreciate teachers more than ever
  15. Realise the gift I gave the teacher was wholly inadequate considering how they’ve kept my child alive and OUT OF THE HOUSE for an entire year
  16. Hand youngest over to eldest in order to get ready for gig
  17. Try not to send youngest to his room within the first two hours of the holidays even though he’s just repeatedly shot eldest in the face with a nerf gun
  18. Listen as their screaming echoes through the house which I have failed to fill with appropriate educational toys
  19. Realise my plan of having eldest look after youngest over the hols so I can blog and smoke is impossible
  20. Pour a glass of wine
  21. Have a fag
  22. Try on seventeen outfits, none of which make me look like Sarah Silverman
  23. Try not to pour another glass of wine
  24. Leave the house, having promised youngest a constant supply of M&M’s tomorrow and eldest £50 for keeping him alive
  25. Arrive at venue and try not to throw up
  26. Buy wine
  27. Have a fag
  28. Try not to buy more wine
  29. Have a fag or seven
  30. Apply new lipstick purchased especially for this momentous evening
  31. Throwing up is now not an option
  32. Perform
  33. Sit down and proceed to get catastrophically drunk and smoke seventeen thousand fags
  34. Throw up

Because I enjoy the absolute privilege of being off work for the entire six week holidays (and I mean that actually, am VERY LUCKY) and considering I am surely on the cusp of being EXTREMELY FAMOUS, I won’t be able annagram every day for a while, unless I find a pot of cash under the floorboards to pay for a naive, gullible babysitter.

In the meantime, if you are parents, good luck my comrades. If you need me I shall be permanently in a Wacky Warehouse where they serve gin and chips and sending you SOS blogs.

If you are not a parent, STAY AT HOME UNTIL SEPTEMBER; everywhere you love will be horrifically infested with under-stimulated sprogs and their shell-shocked, hungover parents, staggering around with a look on their faces that says: I know I brought this on myself and I know I am VERY LUCKY but dear God I had no idea…

Until the next time…