Poor Melania Trump. No, really.

There she was, going about her business of being an extremely gormless and beautiful wife to a staggeringly stupid and ugly billionaire and now she’s suddenly expected to have OPINIONS.

This is NOT what she said ‘I do’ to back in 2005. Back then her husb was just an adequately filthy-rich tycoon and her life was going to be all about wearing jewels and going to parties and being nice to her husb so she could wear jewels and go to parties. At no point in their courtship did he suggest she might have to have original thoughts and say them out loud in front of the whole world.

It’s exactly like when Gwyneth became Gwyneth. There I was, being a brilliantly incompetent wife to a normal man who ate ready-meals and fry-ups and now I’m suddenly expected to watch him eat seeds and organic veg and even attempt to feed them to his offspring.

This is NOT what I said ‘I do’ to back in 2001. Back then my fella was just adequately chubby and mildly alcoholic and my life was going to be all about eating macaroni cheese and cake with him. At no point in our courtship did he suggest I might have to wake up each morning to the excrucating grind of a nutribullet squeezing the fuck out of an organic cauliflower and the nauseating whiff of pine nuts toasting in a pan. 

These men are expecting too much of our fair sex, (and also too much unfair sex) and we women must STAND UP to these gross expectations and absurd threats to our womanhood and furthermore, in order to make our protest CRYSTAL CLEAR in it’s message, we must do it, erm…NAKED…

On the eve of Melania’s knocked-off speech in Cleveland, Spencer Tunick (that fella who gets loads of naked people together to take pics of them) gathered 100 starkers women to stand in a field and hold up a mirror in the direction of where the Republican National Conference was due to take place.


He did this because he thinks Trump and his pals are a bit sexist and need to be taught a lesson by 100 naked women standing in a field holding mirrors. The mirrors were meant to suggest that we, the “sacred feminine” are “a reflection and embodiment of nature, the sun, the sky and the land” instead of being just, you know, objects to be gawped at. Except if I can’t stop gawping at their pubes and boobies, I’m sure Trump will be having the same trouble and he has that trouble anyway being all sexist an’ that.

I don’t think Don and Mel will have noticed that peculiar naked protest anyway. I think the night before her speech she was probs lolling around in a penthouse suite, working on trying to make herself sound less *gasp* FOREIGN and gormless when performing words written by a thieving, gormless speech-writer in her husband’s employ.

It seems like Don will do anything to make Mel his First Lady, even using the words of a *gasp* BLACK FEMALE DEMOCRAT, which is shocking because so far he has run an entirely joyful and deeply considered campaign of love and truth and hope for all Americans apart from poor ones, black ones, muslim ones, women ones, pro-abortion ones, anti-gun ones and nice ones. 

Spencer Tunick’s nudey-lady protest was called ‘Everything She Says Means Everything’ which is so meaningless it makes my sacred feminine womb hurt. But for Melania it surely means, ‘Everything She Says Means Everything Michelle Obama Said In 2008’…

When Gwyneth gets home I’m gonna stand naked in the kitchen, shove a mirror in his face and deliver a speech based on Michelle Obama’s talk at NYCC last month: “We are all created equal, all entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”.

What? She stole those words too? Can ANY WOMEN write their own goddam material? Bloody women. Bloody dirty, robbing, unsacred women…

PS. I have just been informed that Gwyneth ate chocolate pudding and custard at work today. We can put the mirror down for now girls and put our clothes back on. The man is evolving…