Today is International Be A Kid Again Day!

For the whole day we must pretend to be a kid again. Not the actual kid you were when you were a kid because you might have been a rubbish one, all catarrhy and whiney…no, there’s no need to overthink this.

Do NOT recall your own childhood unless it was brill. Do NOT recall your children’s childhood either as that will open a very heavy, judgy door into a world of guilt and missed school assemblies and memories of hysterical controlled-crying marathons…

The idea of today is simply to be as a child, carefree and inquisitive, playing those kid-games you used to play and having tons of fun. Think Tom Hanks in BIG rather than the kid in Kramer vs Kramer…

For me today will include:

  1. Waking up at 5am and flinging myself on top of my Dad wailing geddupgeddupgeddupI’mhungrreeeee
  2. Realising I haven’t lived with my Dad since 1991 and it’s fucking 5am
  3. Wake up again at 7am demanding pancakes or I will die and never ever eat or look at you again
  4. Realise there is no adult to make me pancakes
  5. Get on with making my actual kids pancakes.
  6. Refuse to get dressed and end up putting clothes on over my pyjamas
  7. Realise this is no different to any other day
  8. Just as we leave the house, announce I need a poo and sit on the loo for half an hour while playing an excruciatingly drawn-out game of I-spy before demanding someone wipes my bum
  9. Wipe my own bum
  10. Scream all the way to school
  11. Realise this is also no different to any other day
  12. Realise that I haven’t grown up AT ALL
  13. Go home, have a fag and a cry

Oh dear. You think I’m taking this a bit too literally?  I know, let’s focus on the carefree games kids play!

  1. Tig. Tear around in a state of abject panic until someone thumps you hard in the back at which point you become the tigger and while everyone runs away you get to play out the deep feelings of isolation and ostracisation that you already experience every day of your life
  2. Kiss Chase. Tear around in a state of abject panic until someone smacks their face hard into yours and loudly declares, “eeeewwww I just kissed AnnaSpanner eeeeewwww” at which point you become the kisser and while everyone runs away you get to play out the deep feelings of being repulsive and revolting that you already experience every day of your life
  3. Hide and Seek. Tear around in a state of abject panic looking for a place to hide until someone finds you at which point you become the seeker and while everyone hides you get to play out your deepest anxiety that everyone hates you and wishes you’d die and ARE WE EVEN PLAYING ANYMORE? SERIOUSLY GUYS, WHERE ARE YOU?

Ok that’s enough. Being a kid is hideous. I can’t do it. I know, let’s aim for being a teenager instead…

  1. Wake up feeling powerless and emotional and ugly
  2. Stuff your face with sugar all morning
  3. Hit a tearful impasse at 12.30
  4. Have a nap
  5. Wake up feeling moody and fat
  6. Wade through the afternoon on a tide of unrealised social plans, unfinished work and terrifying imaginings of what your life will become
  7. Go out and get very drunk
  8. Wake up the next day feeling powerless and emotional and ugly…
  9. ……..

Shit. I appear to still be a teenager.

Happy Be A Kid Again Day!

See you Monday…