Why am I so hated? WHAT DID I DO THAT WAS SO WRONG?

So bleats poor Gwyneth Paltrow. She still can’t get over her 2013 award for Most Hated Celebrity.

“All I can do is be my authentic self,” she said last week, which right there in that one phrase is why we tend to feel so hatey towards her.

What is this authentic self she speaks of? What does it mean? And should I be it?

Dr. Phil knows, (him with the moustache off the Oprah Winfrey show). Dr. Phil says your authentic self is the core of you, the deepest you that is not defined by your job, function or role. It is the composite of all your skills, talents and wisdom.

I bet my authentic self is better than yours. Mine can do an uncanny impression of Marge Simpson, a virtually IDENTICAL version of ‘Memory’ to Elaine Paige’s and I know everything there is to know about techniques for secret in-car smoking.

Oh hang on, there’s more to this being authentic shizzle…

You’ve also got to know what you deeply believe to be true about yourself and make sure you stay true to yourself through your thoughts, words and actions. Which sounds rancidly BORING and ANNOYING (and therefore perfectly appropriate for our charisma-deficient Gwyneth Paltrow) but also potentially a bit…dangerous…

Like what if you were Prime Minister and you deeply believed that God would definitely agree to you bombing another sovereign nation whose leader didn’t believe in your God, or even (God forbid!) ANY God and kept killing their own people whilst also definitely or maybe or probably not making bombs RIGHT NOW so they could kill your people in 45 minutes flat and because you believed deeply only in your own morality and listened only to the voice of your authentic self and not the voices of the world around you who said you should probs just check about the bombs before you kill hundreds of your own soldiers and thousands of innocent civilians and trigger a nightmare of global terrorism, you went ahead anyway along with a fellow morality-junkie and between you totally cocked everything up, the full extent of which has finally been revealed today in an actual authentic document which might send you to jail for a bit but even that won’t shake your deep belief that even if you weren’t legally right, or logically right, you were MORALLY right according to your authentic self and anyway, only God will be your final judge and he’s been true to his authentic self since his character was first invented…

I don’t think being your authentic self is a good plan. I think it makes people hate you. I think you should mostly avoid being true to yourself just in case your true self is a war criminal. Let’s just carry on with caring about what other people think of us and listening when people tell us we’re being an arse and trying not to tell everyone else what to do all the time in case we’re, you know, wrong…

In essence, let’s be less Tony Blair circa 2003 when he was all drivey and war-mongery and more Tony Blair circa 1997 when he was all listeny and hope-mongery.

Our GP was better in 1997 too. She was unconsciously coupling with Ben Affleck all over the papers, being bff with a loopy celebrity shoplifter, smoking and drinking at parties and making movies some people actually watched…

The message is clear. We must NOT be our authentic selves. We must instead, when faced with moral dilemmas, ask ourselves, what would the 1997 GP do? And the answer will almost certainly be…get drunk, smoke fags, date a movie star…

Now that’s a lifestyle I can get with…