What a weekend of revelations it has been in the annagram house!

Revelation 1. When the wine bottle reports the alcohol volume is 15% and not your usual 13%, you should not ignore that 2% because whilst losing 2% of your body weight would be a squifferingly insignificant amount, in the world of alcohol, 2% holds the same sway as the difference between bray or brexit and it’s consequences are equally grave for whoever you were spouting bollocks to at 1am with your bra around your neck and your fringe frazzled by fags.

Revelation 2. Me and Victoria Beckham are IDENTICAL. I have long suspected this, but now it is confirmed. I realised over the weekend that I have now successfully put back on almost all of the 4 stone I lost a couple of years ago and whilst this is fifty shades of unerotic pap for my body, for my face it is the equivalent of ten rounds of botox. VB has talked openly about her struggle between thin arse=gaunt face vs fat arse=yummy face. At our age, you have to choose. And whilst VB is working within a 2lb margin and mine is a bit more…2 stone-ish, the impact is the same. Me and VB: worlds apart in wealth and dress-size; bezzie room-mates in the arse/face dilemma.

Revelation 3. Men do not have an arse/face dilemma. Why is this? And is it something I can get very feminist about?

Revelation 4. The saying, ‘if you want something done, ask a busy person’ does NOT apply to me, I have discovered. You must not ask me to do anything. When faced with too much to do, my response is to go to bed so that I can lie there fretting about what I’m not doing so that what I’m not doing can grow to enormous proportions the more I am not doing it. Top of the current list of things I must fret about not doing is helping eldest select universities and then attend open days and then fill out applications. This requires all the skills I don’t have: a) searching the internet for actual information rather than celeb gossip, b) organising travel, c) form-filling. I would rather spend weeks in bed imagining her future as a drug-addicted hooker due to non-university attendance than actually help her to attend university.

Revelation 5. This is gut-wrenching to mention and I hope you don’t mind, but I can’t get through 10mins without thinking about it today… I think youngest may be a ‘special’ and I don’t mean a member of a 1970’s Ska band. My Dad believes the boy is just incredibly bright, which is a wonderfully Grandadish point of view, but we are all of us beginning to realise that his daily struggles may be more than just being 6 and being a boy. Eldest is one of the ‘specials’ too and she is BRILLIANT (and really should be on stage in a Ska band) but I’d hoped this youngest one would be a ‘normal’…would be one who doesn’t need more than I can ever give…

Revelation 6. That one of our most funniest of funny women, Caroline Aherne, who died over the weekend and who I worked with for a bit and she used to bring warm white wine for the whole office to guzzle on a Friday, turns out to have been an absolute brain-box (with an IQ higher than Stephen Hawkins and he is the cleverest man on telly!) This extreme intelligence may well be a special need in itself, being so rare, and may have led to some of her personal struggles. Just 2% of the population have a significantly high IQ and less than a quarter of 1% are what you’d call a genius – I am so percentagey today! In light of this, I think the first thing we’ll do with youngest is get his IQ tested and hope that he IS just in that 2% like his Grandad says and that he only struggles with the world because it’s full of useless thickos like me…

Revelation 7. When your ability to Mum/wife/work/diet is so woefully inadequate, you must hold on to the things in life you KNOW TO BE RIGHT AND TRUE:

E.g. Wine Works. But only at 13%. Please drink responsibly until your kids are in bed…