Been burning to know Gwyneth Paltrow’s interior design secrets?

Well put out that curiosity fire right now people! At last GP has opened the doors of her Tribeca apartment so we can see how the other 0.01% live…

It is white, I can confirm. It is so very white that she describes it as ‘floating above the cobblestone streets like a pale, dreamy cloud’. Omigod GP – we are SO the same…I’m always saying that living in my house is like being in a permanent cloud…of fag-smoke and unrealised DIY dreams…

Just like mine, GP’s pad is ‘a family space’ (even though it’s so white and almost entirely furnished in designer silk, whereas mine is multi-coloured and entirely furnished with wipe-clean IKEA).

Family space is dead important to GP coz although she’s a beautiful actress, organic cook and lifestyle expert, first and foremost she’s a dedicated mother. This is evidenced by the massive swing-chair she’s installed in the living room specifically for ‘reading to and playing with the kids’:

Apple: Mummy Mummy Mummy! Look what I made out of organic cotton and seeds painted with non-toxic paint!

GP: Fuckssake Apple. How many times? Are we currently sitting on the family-time swing?

Apple: Erm…no…

GP: Damn fuckin’ right we’re not. As you can clearly see, I am sitting on the SOFA. And what does it mean when Mummy’s sitting on the sofa?

Apple: You’re thinking about how to develop your brilliant career as a beautiful actress, organic cook, lifestyle expert and greatest mother on earth.

GP: Absofuckinloutely, so that you can have a positive role-model of an ordinary working mum whilst also looking at but not touching all these beautiful silks and fabrics and carefully curated key pieces from my website, goop.

Apple: Sorry Mummy…

GP: Sorry won’t pay the fuckin’ nannies, kiddo. So. Do you want to request some Mummy-time on the swing so you can show me the cunty craft project you did while you were with your cunty dad?

Apple: Yes please.

GP: Go on then.

Apple: Please may I have some Mummy-time on the swing so I can show you this doll I made of you which Dad says is called an effigy and when you stick pins in it, it poops out quinoa!…

20160621_160620

That’s the swing. It’s made out of an ‘amazing antique door from India’…

Look, GP just wants us all to ‘nurture our inside space’ and I don’t know about you but I’m going to get onto that RIGHT NOW. No more of this constant mumming all over the house. I may not be able to source a swing made out of an antique Indian door but from now on my kids may only approach me when I am sitting on a designated chair in my front room with a fag and a glass of wine, all-the-better to joyfully engage in quality family-time with my beloved offspring.

FYI: pouring a glass of wine at 4pm in order to take that pic has proved incredibly challenging for me…I have managed to walk away from it for now but must never make that mistake again…