WHY IS EVERYONE HAVING SEX IN FRONT OF ME ALL THE TIME?

I only have to deliberately tune in to programmes where people might have sex in front of me to see people having sex in front of me…

It’s OUTRAGEOUS.

It’s like the time I watched that Richard Gere movie ‘Unfaithful’ and was appalled to discover it was about people being unfaithful and having loads of hot extramarital sex. YAK.

And what about House of Cards? There I was, thinking I’d be watching an informative drama about American politics and instead it was all threesomes and oral sex and even featured a CLEVER WHITE WOMAN having sex with a CLEVER BLACK MAN..the message clearly being that powerful politicians have a lot of naughty sex which was not at all what I was expecting.

But there is a new brand of on-screen sex that is deeply disturbing and a DEFINITE sign that our society is becoming ever more filthy and porny. It’s called: sex between real consenting adults. And it’s just plain WRONG, I tell you.

It’s a sad, sad day when you’re forced to watch a beauty queen have sex in a bed. I did NOT know beauty queens were allowed to do that sex stuff. I only tuned into Love Island so that I could watch our reigning Miss Great Britain, Zara Holland, being (to quote from the Miss GB website) a “strong, beautiful, intelligent woman”. I did not expect to find her jiggling her wibbly bits in a bikini in front of other consenting adults jiggling their wibbly bits for the express purpose of entertaining the viewers with their jiggly wibbly bits. That is DEGRADING.

Not content with making me witness the defilement of all that is good and true in the world of beauty pageants, my television then forced me to watch a heavily-tattooed son-of-a-cook gorging on the bare boobs of an unknown model before doing sex with her on Big Brother. But this was totally fine because although he was engaged to another unknown model at the time, and was clearly a man of limited intellectual resources and zero charm, he hadn’t won a contest based on his ability to be a positive role model of a strong, beautiful, intelligent man. 

The punishment for Miss GB having sex in a bed, under the covers, where you couldn’t actually see anything, on a tv show where the premise is to try and have sex, is that she has been royally dethroned and must now live her life as a slut-shamed whore…until she launches her own lingerie brand and gets booked for the next series of Big Brother where her profile will grow ever bigger as she jiggles and wibbles once again for our entertainment but I can promise you that this time, I will NOT be a party to it because my life-long support for the wholesome and entirely harmless institution of beauty pageants is officially OVER now that I know beauty queens sometimes like to have sex in a bed…