Hold up! Fearne Cotton has only gone and published a cookbook!
I KNOW. Celebrities – you are really spoiling us with all these essential guides for how to live like an overpaid arsehole!
I was going to write about the referendum today, (only 7 days ’til you have to make THE BIGGEST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE apparently) but then I saw Fearne’s new book and am now faced with a MUCH more important choice: which celeb manual to hate more – Fearne’s or Holly’s? (see Truly Richly Willoughbooby for more Holly info)…
Yesterday on This Morning, Fearne and Holly got all goofy on the sofa together. It was so adorable watching them being beautiful and squealy about their new books because they really are best friends IN REAL LIFE which is just so CUTE.
I wonder how they both came up with the idea to publish books at the same time…
Holly: Fuck this fucking shit Cotton – I need to make some more dough…
Fearne: Fucking RIGHT Willoughbooby. We are worth so much more than just being fucking TV presenters.
Holly: I have like, fucking SHED-LOADS more to give, y’know?
Fearne: And young stupid people TOTALLY want to be like us because we’re like, fucking AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL ROLE MODELS especially now we’re married and get papped with the kids all the time.
Holly: I fucking LOVE my kids. I’m a brilliant mommy.
Fearne: Me too babes.
Holly: Well, yeah obvs, but I won celeb mom of the year so…
Fearne: I really want that motherfucking award.
Holly: You can totally win it hon. You just gotta big-up the homely vibe. Start sticking some pics of your quinoa salad on instagram.
Fearne: My quinoa salad is fucking AWESOME.
Holly: I just feel so many poor people could really use our advice. Like, the other day, I saw this really rough-looking woman holding her baby all wrong so I went up to her and said, dead friendly: “‘scuse me but I’m Holly Willoughby and I really feel you’re holding that baby incorrectly” and she was all like, “well excuse ME, but I’m a grandmother seven times over and think you should fuck the fuck off”…
Fearne: OMG! What an ungrateful bitch!
Holly: Right? There’s just no helping some people…
Fearne: You should totally write a book about being a mommy.
Holly: You should totally write a book about cooking quinoa.
Holly: Pass the crack-pipe babes…the nanny’s clocking off in half an hour…
Fearne’s book is called ‘Cook Happy, Cook Healthy’ and as with Holly’s opus, her big message is that she’s just like us, all super-busy (a phrase which needs to be tasered immediately) but we should still find it SUPER-EASY to make time for buying entirely organic, unprocessed, responsibly-sourced ingredients so that you can spend all day NOT at work earning a living, or at home keeping babies alive, or in the pub writing a novel, but buzzing around your massive designer kitchen cooking healthy nutritious meals from scratch for your beloved offspring who, because they are celebrity offspring, will totally wolf down that quinoa salad with asian-style black cod…
Oh Fearne, where have you been all my child-raising life? For years I’ve been operating under the false assumption that women had spent several generations trying to escape the chains of domesticity so that they could be free to have thoughts and ideas an’ that…and all the time I should have been just shopping and cooking and living in my kitchen…what a clot I am!
But seeing as I DO need to go to work and feed my kids quickly, on a budget, in a small-ish kitchen, here is my SUPER-EASY weekly menu, guaranteed to make them eat:
MON – crisps, pasta with cheese, yoghurt
TUES – crisps, pasta with cheese, yoghurt
WEDS – crisps, pasta with cheese, yoghurt
THURS – crisps, pasta with cheese, yoghurt
FRI – chip-shop chips
SAT – pizza
SUN – crisps, pasta with cheese, yoghurt
And that advice is 100% free…cook happy guys!