Gwyneth has gone.
He’s finally back at work after more than two months off with his broken leg.
This is brilliant as I can now stop pretending to be so busy. Pretending to be busy is EXHAUSTING.
I’m always telling him how the school day is so short and how I haven’t had a moment to even go to the loo, let alone do the dishwasher and how I go out to work every morning and by the time I’ve come home and had a sandwich (on-the-go because I just DON’T STOP) and done the (insert made-up chores here) and worked on writing the greatest novel of the 21st century (ten years in progress so far) it’s already time to pick up youngest and when we get home it’s always so full-on with tidying and cooking and bedtime and stories and so no I haven’t wiped the sides yet or done the bins because my life is MUCH BUSIER AND MORE EXHAUSTING THAN YOURS SO COULD YOU PLEASE POUR ME A GLASS OF WINE IMMEDIATELY?
When he was at home, I couldn’t let him realise that normally, when I get in from work, I make a sandwich and eat it in front of Homes Under The Hammer. Then I’ll mooch upstairs for a bath (I work with pre-schoolers, a full-body scrub is required, I tell myself) where I’ll read a bit and might have a teeny snooze with my phone balanced precariously on the perfectly phone-sized, middle-aged flat space between my saggy boobage, punctuated by being woken by loud bathroom-echoey snores until the water goes a bit too chilly at which point I’ll get out and do my hair and put my face on again and check facebook and have a coffee before realising I’ve got 10 minutes left in which to finish writing the greatest novel of the 21st century before I have to pick up youngest. We’ll usually mess about in the playground for a bit while I chat with other parents (ie lie profusely about my busy day) before arriving home to lie on the sofa having QUALITY TIME with my son while he plays minecraft and I read the Daily Mail Showbiz news with a cuppa…
No more. Instead I’ve had to perform each day as the busy person I claimed to always be. This means I haven’t had a bath for weeks (quick showers are all I have time for now which is exhausting because no matter how hard I try I can’t get the hang of snoozing standing up…) After an initial couple of weeks doing far too many vile domestic chores, I announced that I was going to FINISH THE BOOK and have spent every afternoon since squirreled away in my study (aka my smoking den). Which then led to this blog. HOORAY!
However, today I remembered that I am A WOMAN. Therefore I am a genius at multi-tasking. I can bathe AND blog!
Such revelatory life skills I bring you…such useful and liberating ways to work, rest and play all at the same time…just don’t tell Gwyneth please…