The law is an ass!

NB: American readers, this does NOT mean the law is a pair of buttocks. An old English phrase, it is used when the law is over-zealously applied in a lunaticy, lacking-in-common-sense kind of way. When this happens we compare it to a donkey (aka ass) which is a stupid and obstinate creature whose most famous role to date was carrying a heavily pregnant homeless woman into a barn to give birth to a deity.

So, the law is an ass, right?

I just totally hate the laws in this country. There are so many things I want to do that I’m not allowed to because someone with too much common sense reckons it might be harmful:

  1. Taking heroin. This is totally illegal. The only way in which you are allowed to ingest this lovely, harmless opiate is if you are in immense pain and prescribed it by a medical practitioner which will lead you to quickly realise that if it were available in Tesco next to the Rioja and the fags, you would develop the same attachment to it as those substances which will probably lead to you maybe dying or having your kids taken away which I would argue is still a matter of PERSONAL CHOICE.
  2. Drinking and driving. This was totally legal for yonks because if you didn’t drink and drive you’d never go anywhere and the thought of going somewhere and not drinking was a preposterous proposition until the late 80’s when people started like, dying, which spoiled everything and made us all responsible for not killing people after a lovely party.
  3. Wearing a seatbelt in a moving car. Gone are the glory days of rolling around on the backseat of a car at 80mph on the M1 or sitting on your Dad’s knee ‘helping’ him steer. The day we realised that seatbelts save lives was the END OF REASON AND COMMON SENSE in this country.
  4. Punching. This is illegal, unless you are a boxer in which case you will be revered and paid a fortune for punching really well. You are not allowed to punch anyone, even your own children. I KNOW.
  5. Rape. You are not allowed to rape anyone. Even if you’re really drunk and your victim is unconscious by the bins, you are not supposed to do this. Especially if you’re black as that will get you put in jail for a long time, but sometimes even if you’re white and clever and a really good swimmer, you might be sent to prison for a bit. Nowadays you’re not even allowed to rape your own wife which is another example of a WORLD GONE MAD where law-makers can impinge on what goes on behind our own goddam front-doors.
  6. Owning a gun. This is mostly against the law in this country, unless you wear a crown or own lots of land in which case, trigger-happy-days m’lord! Not being allowed to own a gun means it’s really hard for our home-grown homophobic terrorists to shoot and kill 50 LGBT guys in a nightclub, because we can’t just walk into our local Tesco and buy an assault rifle, which is politically correct LUNACY because we all know “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” even though we also know it’s mostly people holding shop-bought guns who kill the most people…

All these assy laws! We’re living in a Nanny State. (A brilliant English term, coined and adopted by posh tories who have first-hand experience of being raised by nannies, unlike us plebs).

Well, I’m sick of it, SICK OF IT ALL I tell you. It’s enough to make me want to move to, I dunno… America…