Gwyneth’s going mental about being healthy again. (The real Paltrow, not my in-house version).

This week her lifestyle website goop features a deeply informative and not at all whacko interview with one of her mates, Kelly Brogan MD (which does NOT stand for Monumental Dick) who has written a book about depression (but NOT with the intention of making a pile of cash from sales to vulnerable, mentally ill people).

Kelly starts by reminding us that we’re actually swimming in a sea of 80,000 chemicals which are setting our immune systems on fire and sending our hormones mental. Yikes!

Then she dishes out some ‘facts’ like how all that fluoride in our water is messing with our brains and making us depressed (there must be a line of goop-branded bottled water ) also how aluminium is neurotoxic (wrap your leftovers in organic cotton instead please) and she has “grave concerns” about all that endocrine-disrupting plastic (I think these are just lunchboxes)…

But fear not! Kelly has a cure!

All you have to do is buy her book, take at least a month off work/raising kids/functioning normally and she will cure your depression with just 3-12 minutes of Kundalini yoga per day (which sounds like something I should be having done to my yoni – see Me and my yoni…) alongside a special (aka expensive and time-consuming) diet of natural fats and exclusively organic food.

That’s all it takes folks. Because depression is not caused by things like being abused, or extremely poor, or bereaved, or traumatised, or even just having an offish brain.  Despite decades of research into causes and treatments, by millions of doctors, our Kel is the only one who knows that the true cause of depression is, in fact, our own blind stupidity in persisting with eating CAKE…

This means anti-depressants categorically do NOT work and should be banned, even if you think they’ve saved your life. Plus we must stop taking antibiotics and the contraceptive pill and even over-the-counter pain-relief because these “perpetuate mental illness” (so you will be sane, but pregnant and dying of pneumonia)…

But most crucially of all, you must learn to “honour yourself” instead of, you know, hating yourself because you’re depressed. To achieve this self-worship, all you need to do is feel “empowered, energised and excited about awakening to your true self and moving through this window”.

Well I don’t know about you but I feel better already! All I have to do is chuck out the tinfoil, stop eating cake and taking my medication, and then throw myself out the window…

Thank you SO much Kelly Brogan MD. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you writing a book in order to tell us that we’re only depressed because we’re ignorant, junk-eating, pathetic plebs.

That is really just so…empowering…