Being in a wheelchair is rubbish, I can confirm.

Gwyneth’s leg is broken. Two months ago he fell down the cellar steps. (NB: I did NOT push him. Nor did he hurl himself down them in an emotional cry for help/attention from his unhelpful/inattentive wife).

I was in the supermarket when it happened, buying a few essentials. He rang just as I was tying on an essential jumper. So I ignored it. Then he rang again while I was selecting a few essential bits of jewellery and a cushion. So I ignored it again. In the essential wine section it rang again but this time it was eldest child so I answered it.

She said: Dad’s fallen down the stairs and I think he’s going to pass out. Such a drama queen! Then I heard him screeching in the background, an odd panty, shrill sound. Such a drama queen! So I continued on to browse the Rioja’s on offer, then the selection of canned iced coffees, followed by the perfect Belgian bun to accompany it. I paid and then drove happily home with a fag and Beyoncé.

As I pulled up outside the house, there he was, all pale and pinched and weepy. A pained drive to A&E followed, punctuated by me hitting speed-bumps in a way which was suddenly not ok.

So he’s had a plate and some pins put in and I get that it hurts, but it’s not exactly CHILDBIRTH. (Clarification: a girlfriend who’s had three kids and a broken leg claims the leg was much more hurty actually…but we must NOT tell Gwyneth this).

As you can imagine, pushing him around in a wheelchair for two months and delivering all his refreshments and driving him everywhere and supplying organic fruit and veg for juicing and enough nuts and seeds for cruching while I attempt to keep his kids alive and go to work and sort the recycling and write a blog and still have time for fags and booze has brought us just SO much closer together as a couple…

You cannot easily go anywhere in a wheelchair. You cannot even make it to the end of your third-world, pot-holed road without sweating and sobbing. You also cannot, MUST NOT attempt to go to a Kanye West gig.

At a gig in Sydney he demanded that his audience all rise to their feet. “I can’t do this show until everybody stand up!” he yelped. “Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit…”

Oh Kanye, you are just SO on it with the disability lingo! He then spots two people still seated, “Get up! Get on yo’ feet motherfuckers!” he demanded, like a Hip-Hop Nazi General (ok I’ve embellished this last line…) Finally, one of the poor seated souls was forced to wave her prosthetic limb in the air in front of thousands of people, at which point Kanye declared, “Okay, you fine,” which was SO cool and understanding of him.

However, not put off by that close-shave with the ‘handicapped’, he turns his attention to the other person who is still brazenly sitting down when they’ve been ordered to stand and demands clarification that this person is, in fact, in a wheelchair and therefore cannot obey the command to STAND UP AND ENJOY MY MUSIC.

With it all finally sorted out, he is able to get going with his song “Good Life” which those two disabled people have been so publicly reminded they absolutely do NOT have…

Thankfully, we are nearly out of our own brush with wheelchairs. But I still don’t think I’ll be going to a Kanye gig anytime soon…I’m a bit old-fashioned when it comes to concert etiquette and tend to stand up only when I (the paying customer whose extortionate ticket-price has paid for your special trainers and coloured contact-lenses) feel the music move me…