Did you know that ageing can lead to death?

This woefully under-researched killer is on the rise thanks to us all living for yonks and yet there isn’t even a charity fundraising race or anti-ageing awareness day!

This week, thank GOD, London is hosting a crucial international anti-ageing conference. As with anti-racism and anti-facism and anti-Trumpism, these guys are totally against ageing in all it’s forms and believe it should be eradicated forever…

Experts are flying in from all over the world (clarification: mostly California) to talk about how we can fight the abhorrent pro-ageing lobby who believe that showing signs of ageing is somehow a normal and natural process.

Lunatics!

Haven’t they heard about telomeres? Anyone who is anti-ageing knows all about telomeres which are like a ticking clock inside your cells. Incredible new research has shown that the older you are, the shorter your telomere-time which means you might die soon from being, erm, old…

And what about antioxidants? (We should also totally be against oxidants). If you eat berries and tomatoes they magically get rid of all those foul free radicals (which sound like a socialist student pressure-group) and leave your blood all pure and clean and kind of Aryan-ishy, thus absolutely one hundred per cent preventing you from ageing.

But, according to these “experts” the BEST way to kick ageing’s butt is to just be really hungry alot. Regularly starving yourself GUARANTEES you an extra ten years of life guys. This is brilliant news for Muslims and you know, poor people…

Obviously if you are truly committed to the anti-ageing movement, you must not smoke, drink alcohol, eat sugar or bad fats or bread or crisps or burgers or croissants or custard creams or buckets of Lotus biscuit-spread…

Well, YAK to that.

I don’t want to put my kids through an extra ten years of waiting for their inheritance (a pile of supermarket-bought jewellery, ten thousand books, a drawer-full of cheap make-up and a vast collection of lighters) while I slowly wither in an armchair albeit it with really clean blood and decades of memorable meals featuring flaxseeds and organic coconut water…

As the cigar-chomping comedian George Burns said: “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age”.

He lived to be one hundred…