I have spent the last few days conducting some VERY THOROUGH research on your behalf into our fellow Europeans (clarification: I’ve been permanently a bit pissed and just gawping at people from behind my shades)…

My investigations have revealed the following amazing fact:

The middle-aged Spanish are FAT.

All of them. Decidedly chubtastic. 

I know! All those healthy tomatoes and olives and special cheeses and meats and proper bread and yet still, they are, by western measurements, certifiably obese.

They also live longer than us Brits, don’t they?

This can mean only one thing: being a bit fat is actually totally ok health-wise. Especially if you’re over forty and don’t need to bomb about on a moped with your hair flowing and your thighs out anymore. In these parts, it seems, the women get to fortyish, cut their hair, put on a boxy sundress and just get on with eating and drinking and smoking and tanning themselves.

Well, “me gusta” this revelation! As long as my bingeing is more olivey/tomatoey and less burgery/cakey I am heading for a long and happy, plumpy lifey…

Other revelations so far:

  1. On holiday Gwyneth eats donuts and bread and cheese and choc! This makes me mucho desire him until moments like this:
  2. The epic swimsuit is working out fine except for when wet which makes the clever flaps kind of cling and slap against your thighs unattractively, leading Gwyneth to remark that I resemble a seal…
  3. On holiday, we give no fucks about correct ways to load dishwashers.
  4. Waterproof mascara is shit. You know this. Yet every year you hope it will have been magically transformed into a product that actually WORKS.
  5. Drinking Rioja that is incredibly fabulous and half the price of your usual at-home fayre may lead to consuming double amounts but this is counter-balanced by the incredible revelation of daytime drinking which is totally acceptable on holiday although firmly a holiday romance that will not last beyond the flight home.
  6. Your kids on holiday are massively more loveable than they are at home. I cannot explain this. But I hope this one is not just a holiday romance, but more of a breakthrough that I can somehow pack into my luggage and bring home…

Buenas tardes amigoes.