I love drugs. (I mean the legal ones you get from a doctor – I’m not a goddam CELEBRITY).

I especially love how drugs can totally stop you from dying. Like chemotherapy. Or insulin. Or antibiotics.

Drugs are GOOD.

Unless your illness is MENTAL. In which case, you must NOT take any medication which may drastically help you or even save your life, especially if you’re a child because their brains are all young and innocent and so even if they are paralysed with anxiety or compulsions you must NOT help them in ANY druggy way.

I think we mostly agree that you wouldn’t tell a person with cancer that they should lay off the chemo because y’know, it’s a POISON and they can totally kick cancer’s BUTT by just getting some fresh air and being thankful for all the good in their lives… 

We’ve come a long way in our understanding of cancer. In ancient Greece it was treated with blood-letting and laxatives which sounds like a brilliant new celebrity slimming tool. Then we discovered cells and everything got a bit less…leaky.

We’ve come a long way in our understanding of depression too, which has also been around for yonks. I KNOW. I thought it was only invented recently when women had babies and got depressed when they suddenly realised they DID still live in a patriarchy and COULDN’T ‘have it all’ actually because of all the ‘juggling’ they had to do (NB if the juggling is getting stressy, just stop throwing your kids and your laptop in the air all the time. Sit down. Have a fag).

In ancient Greece depression was thought to be caused by a build-up of cold black bile. Which is kind of how it feels so, YAY. By the middle-ages they’d stopped all that bile nonsense and quite rightly established you were depressed because the Gods were punishing you for being a total dick.

But what about all these new-fangled mental disorders like OCD and ADHD? Are they even REAL?

OCD was first recognised in the 14th century where it was caused by being possessed by the devil (obvs) and treated by exorcism, which I’m guessing didn’t, you know, WORK so then they’d be thrown in an asylum.

ADHD was first written about in the 18th century and thought to be a kind of brain damage causing excessive fidgeting and lack of concentration. The cure was lots of cold baths and horseriding which is BARBARIC because we all know horse-riding is an incredibly costly hobby that should never be introduced to a child unless their name is Chelsea.

These days, you don’t have to treat your cancer by losing pints of blood. You don’t have to deal with depression by getting rid of all that bile. And you don’t have to watch your child go through the agony of OCD or ADHD and be told the only solution is to see a priest or a riding-school instructor.

We can all just take some actual MEDICINE that will actually HELP us.

Hooray for progress!

Here endeth today’s mental-health lesson…