Vaginas. I love discovering new names for them.

Today I learned the name ‘yoni’. A Sanskrit term, your yoni is your ‘sacred space’ and ‘the origin of life’. (Clarification: it’s still actually just your vagina).

In Tantric circles your yoni is to be treated with love and admiration, chiefly by Sting, but also it turns out, by other fellas who are NOT hookers.

A Yoni Massage begins with a full body massage and then moves downish and gets to work on your yoni. A basic hour of yoni massage will cost around £300. A body-to-body treatment (where he like, uses other bits of his body on your yoni) is £500.

This means that so far, yoni-worship is only available to the rich and famous, because their yoni’s are more special than yours. But I’m sure Davina will get going with an informative dvd about it at some point so that we can all learn to spend seventeen hours a day working on our yoni’s.

Now then. Paying for sex is not illegal in England. If you want to sell or buy sex, you totally can. What IS illegal are things like kerb-crawling or owning a brothel. This is why there are loads of ‘massage parlours’ (Clarification – they are mostly massaging penises).

And yet here we have a new brand of massage parlours which clearly advertise their services as offering women a ‘full body orgasm’. Their blurb tells us that for years men have been buying ‘the company of women’ and now it’s time for us girls to be ’empowered with the confidence to do the same’.

Well call me a big fat hairy yoni, but that sounds like prostitution to me. That sounds like rich women paying poorer men to get them off. That sounds like a brothel where the hookers are paid a percentage and the bosses make a profit.

One place even offers a ‘burlesque yoni treatment’ where you can pay a woman to fiddle with your yoni whilst she wears suspenders and a nipple-less bra. This costs a bit more. I think we normally call that paying a hooker to dress up for you.

This art of dressing-up is also at play in the language used. These rich women are not paying prostitutes for sex. They are paying ‘qualified instructors’ (with a degree in dexterity) to use the ancient art of tantric massage to get them to a ‘deepened state of sexual liberalism’. So not only are their houses, cars, jobs, children and hair better than yours, their orgasms are superior too.  

Call anything an ‘ancient art’ and celebs will pounce on it. The fact prostitution is known as ‘the oldest profession’ is totally not relevant here. 

Leaving aside the yucky prozzy element to all this, I do think the name yoni is a spectacular discovery. Tonight I plan to have this conversation with Gwyneth:

Me: Gywn, can you sort out my yoni later?

Him: Eh?

Me: My yoni.

Him: Your what?

Me: My YONI. It needs a massage.

Him: Are you drunk?

Me: Yep.

Him: Well have another drink and a fag and calm down.

NB: I am sorry to include a pic of me in an apparent post-yoni-massage pose. Be thankful I didn’t use the only other pic I could think of to illustrate a blog about vaginas…