WHY are you reading this and not thinking about EUROPE? EVERYONE is thinking about what to do about Europe ALL THE TIME.

Except for when we’re totally forgetting about it and just thinking about if our kids are drunk or if we’ve put the bins out…

You apathetic MONSTER! If we leave Europe there may not even BE bins anymore and your WHOLE FAMILY WILL DIE OF ALCOHOLISM.

But if we stay, dear GOD if we stay, you will all be FORCED TO SPEAK GERMAN by 2018 and ALL of your favourite TV shows will be replaced by FOREIGN ONES with SUBTITLES.

One of the things I most love about living in this country is how measured and reasoned political debate is. Everyone involved is behaving brilliantly well and not saying anything mental or telling massive lies. Instead we are learning useful labels like ‘Brexit’, which sounds like a breakfast cereal bar with added laxatives. (There is no comparative opposition label of ‘Bray’ because nobody wants to be on the side of people who are braying all the time).

All this healthy ‘debate’ allows us plebs to be properly informed about how to vote on something which we have ABSOLUTELY NO GODDAM IDEA ABOUT because we stupidly believed that the people we elected, who are paid to know about politics and the economy would sort that stuff for us and not drag us into dangerously uninformed decisions about our actual future lives when the only decision we really need to be concerned with is red or white (if it’s sunny, I say white – you can always move on to red later in the eve when it gets chilly).

The only way to deal with all this referendum nonsense is to treat it like you would any other election and just vote for the people you think are the least twatty.

For me this is easy. I definitely don’t want to do anything that Boris Johnson wants to do (except maybe go to a bondage party) and I feel sure that if Ian Duncan Smith and I were ever to find ourselves together in a room (at that same bondage party) I would feel obliged to ignore his bleating of his ‘safe word’ (“Brexit”) and would bludgeon him to death with his own whip.

On Saturday I arrive in mainland Europe. I will be CONSTANTLY on the lookout for reasons to brexit and will report back immediately on my return. Assuming I don’t decide to bray in Spain for the rest of my life. After all, their politicians look like this:

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Pedro Sanchez, Leader of the Socialist Workers Party.

My pleasure…