Job titles. They’re often misleading, aren’t they?

An underpaid, overworked riot-controller and sniffer of ten thousand farts a day who isn’t allowed to swear out loud is called a ‘teacher’.

An overpaid, underworked, suspiciously baby-faced lunatic who went to private school and put his nob in a pig’s mouth is called a ‘prime minister’.

The worst job title I ever had was ‘housewife’. I definitely did not marry a house. There’s a website for people who want to do that sort of thing. And whilst my actual husband frequently resembles an inanimate object that requires constant maintenence, I’m certain I said “I do” to a live human.

There are no housewives anymore. If your job is to spend all day doing ten thousand loads of washing and trying to stop your kids eating their own poo whilst you smoke secret fags in the wendy house, you are now called a ‘domestic engineer’. This means having encounters like this:

Bank clerk/official type: What’s your occupation?

You: I’m a domestic engineer.

Bank clerk/official type: Eh?

You: I’m a domestic engineer.

Bank clerk/official type: You mean a housewife?

You: Yep.

During my research into Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop website (see Living with Budgety Gwyn) I discovered that she has given herself an excellent job title. She is not merely the website manager or even a simple salesperson. No. She is in fact the ‘curator’. You thought a curator was a learned fellow who chooses which ancient pots we need to look at in museums. Or which pickled sharks we need to gawp at in art galleries. You thought a curator KNEW THEIR ACTUAL SHIT and their job was to SHOW US THEIR ACTUAL SHIT…but it turns out anyone can be a curator. 

GP isn’t just lolling around in an office drinking coffee and smoking fags and saying, “yeah let’s stick that five-hundred- dollar candlestick in the spring must-have menu, these wankers’ll totally suck it up”. Instead she’s swanning around with a clipboard, sucking on organic dates, carefully selecting essential five-hundred-dollar candlesticks for her discerning clients and saying, “I really want everyone to be surrounded by extremely beautiful objects that only I can find for them”. She’s a CURATOR, guys.

The origins of the word ‘curate’ date back yonks. The root of it is the latin word ‘cur’ which means to care. (If I’d been to private school and studied Latin I wouldn’t have had to google that). The plebs among us need only know that in essence, to curate means ‘to take care of’.

Well I take care of loads of shit. From now on I’m not raising my kids, I’m curating them. This weekend I will shrill to my family: “You fucks can entertain yourselves, I need to curate the wine!”

So here I am in the pic, curating the bins. And I must say that just by calling it that, the whole bin-thing felt much less domestic-chorey-whorey…